No Greedies

It’s wonderful how a childhood tradition can translate into so many grown – up things. I have something to say……… A story to tell…….

This story involves three main characters, I will call them Ms. Tan, Ms. Gold and Candy Bag. I recommend you read this blog while sitting Indian style, munching on some animal crackers and sipping a juice box.

If you are good then you will have 15 extra minutes of play in the sandbox.

Ms. Tan loves to eat candy, she loves her candy so much that she will do any and everything for it. She carries her candy bag wherever she goes, work – school – mall – everywhere. She confesses her love for candy all throughout the day and night. She often empties her candy out onto the table and admires each piece one by one. She savors each and every single bite in a different way. There is no doubt that Ms. Tan is all about her candy. She values it so….

One day something odd happened, Ms. Tan got so used to eating candy that she just assumed it would always be accessible. She figured since she has invested so much admiration into her candy bag that it would never go empty, never fall behind, never - ever change its taste. She was confident in her candy bag and why shouldn’t she be? She kept it full, she put every morsel into it and removed them at her own will. The perfect woman to candy relationship and vice versa. Slowly but surely Ms. Tan began to leave her candy bag at home, she would remove certain pieces to munch on throughout the day, the load of the bag began to weigh her down. Instead of cuddling with her candy bag during movies at night she would again take out the pieces she desired and leave the bulk of the bag in the cabinet or on the shelf. Ms. Tan was secure in leaving her bag behind because she knew that candy bag knew just how much she once valued it, she was certain that she could leave and return to candy bag just as she left it.

Well candy bag had something different in mind. The bag would get excited everytime Ms. Tan came near, candy bag loved the time they spent, all it could do is replay the many times they spent together in its head. The late night cuddle sessions, the trips to the park and watching the children play, store runs to restock its contents…. The look in Ms. Tans eyes as she would just plain old love what was pulled out that bag – no matter the circumstance. Candy bag longed for Ms. Tan to once again include it in her daily routine, be it negative or positive all it wanted was to be loved as a whole again and not just a vessel for the certain pieces she adored. Days went by and candy bag just sat on that shelf dusty and stiff, the only movement it experienced was the opening and closing and removal of pieces. One day out of nowhere it happened – Ms. Tan grabbed that candy bag up, tossed it into her handbag and headed out the door – awww candy bag was on top of the world, just a happy and a riding to Ms. Tan’s beat…. They did everything together just like old times, life could not be better for them. It was back on and everything was seemingly smooth, until candy bag felt a breeze, it was a bit chilly and dark….. it only took a few moments to realize that it was alone. Ms. Tan had forgotten candy bag on the porch. Alone it sat, dedicated to Ms.Tan and confident she will return, scoop it up and apologize for all the wrong she has done, the hurt she has caused – nothing….. Days, weeks, months went by and there candy bag sat unnoticed and untouched on the porch. Ms. Tan would pass by on her way to and from wherever, not even so much as acknowledging its presence. Lonely it sat, once again.

Ms. Gold happened by their residence and noticed this beautiful sack of candy, just sitting – seemingly untouched for days. She was curious of its contents but knew it belonged to Ms. Tan because it was on her porch. She wanted to inquire about the bag but didn’t quite know how to ask, it was no secret that Ms. Tan and her Candy were inseparable. She just couldn’t figure out why the sack was just left to suffer the conditions of the elements all alone. Ms. Gold couldn’t take the suspense, one day she ventured right up on Ms. Tan’s porch and opened up that bag, it was a beautiful sight. So many different choices, the reflection of the sun caused different hues of light to flicker across her face, the excitement in her eyes told it all, she scored… the ultimate candy jackpot. Ms. Gold quickly placed the bag back where she found it and hurried off the porch. All she could think about was why Ms. Tan had left the candy bag so. She would see Ms. Tan going about her every day routine, walking right past the candy bag pulling out a piece every now and then, one day Ms. Tan even took candy bag back into the house, she sat it on the shelf once again but this time with the explanation on having so many bags that this one would have to stay behind. It was easier for her to select the pieces she would munch on throughout the day than to carry the load of the whole bag. So candy sat…….. Once again Ms. Tan scooped up candy bag for a cookout, she figured there would be snacks there that she could fill it up with, Once again candy bag was left…… at the cookout on a side table unnoticed.

Ms. Gold was there, she instantly recognized this bag and felt a pang of excitement in knowing what was inside. She carefully watched Ms. Tan and saw her blatant disregard for the bag. She decided then and there that she too wanted the joy that having a candy bag could bring. In an instant Ms. Gold snatched that bag up and was off. Admiring each and everything about it, eagerly removing the pieces wanting to know more and more about the different flavors and consistencies. Loving it and loving the fact that it was left alone, appreciating the opportunity to explore and get to know the pieces. Then one day out of the blue Ms. Tan happened past Ms. Gold and saw what was once her bag of candy peeking out of her handbag – At that moment Ms. Tan decided she liked not only candy but candy bag as well. She liked the fact that she could control and ration it even more. She snatched that candy bag from Ms. Gold and stomped away. Stopping at nothing to keep Ms. Gold away, she put candy bag deep down in the bottom of her drawer and locked it. She was satisfied with the fact that candy bag was in her possession even if it was just for mental comfort. Ms. Tan was content in knowing that she had stashed candy bag away for her personal use and forgot that their love was once a two way street. Ms. Tan was dependent upon the comfort that the candy in that bag gave her at her own will and selfishly kept it within her drawer……..

She would let candy bag out for special occasions and at times when it was convenient for her. All the while still pulling out bits and pieces in between. Candy bag began to realize it is worth something as a whole and desperately wanted to be left again. This time it’s different, Ms. Tan has grown stingy, She has began to manipulate candy bag into wanting to stay right down in that drawer, wanting to be stashed and picked through depending on the need, threatening it with off-brand candy and limited visits. She is good too, she has even incorporated tears and self pity into her routine. Ms.Tan is finally aware that there is value in her candy bag it only took for it to get snatched away and explored at least five or six times. A sad story because a candy bag has no real mind of its own in this instance….. all it has it what it has known and is told. How do you get through to a big ol bag of candy? Especially when the bag is stuck in the past memories of their once mutual affection? Especially when the bag has been brainwashed into living like a superhero to a damsel in self inflicted distress.

Mrs. B

V-Diaries: Why Do Men Cheat?

A true soldier in he own right, sista girl SONCERAE went into the fiery pits of man hell and asked the age old question, “why men cheat” I was lucky enough to be asked to view the video she posted as a result of her asking men (and I use that term loosely) of all ages this question. Me being the anti relationship/male bashing stay single fuck these lying ass negras advocate that I am Yall know I gotta weigh in on this topic, I can sum up my theory on why men cheat with one word…… Reassurance

Men need to constantly be reminded that their wangs can fit into holes. Ahh their forgetfulness is neither here nor there when it comes down to relationship status. Hey fellas it’s easy, if you think it fits it fits – Ur wang is of a cylinder shape her cooch is of a circular shape.

That is subliminally placed into your head in pre-school sir, remember these

Even still we have the hard headed (no pun intended) ones that just won’t commit the shit to memory. So they keep the why men cheat question in circulation. All the answers on this video are pretty much a crock of shit, WAIT - I will let you all be the judge, feel free to view and continue reading.........

See I told ya, the responses are

A crock of hot lies mixed with hotel soap scum and paper trail hoe shit.

A crock of post club hard on what does cooch feel like again oh I better test my wang in case it shape shifted doesn’t matter if I have a significant other at home helping my selfish ass through life shit ---

There needs to be a mini reminder segment that pops up after each quarter of his favorite sport.

“Hey You there, penis stand --- I’m of a cylinder shape homie, guess what, your side piece got a vagina just like you girl does…. It’s true, all women have vaginas… It’s been proven. There is no need for you to continue testing the theory.” “your side chick is readily available because she is not focused on taking care of your home/children, she’s focused on pure penetration, stop neglecting the homemaker and realize your whore stays prepped for wang while wifey stays prepped for life…” ~Sincerely yours, the Penis Association

It should also continuously run on monitors in restrooms, gas stations, brothels, freezer aisles at grocery stores, shoe stores and pharmacies. Until they get the point, hell any woman with a big ass should be mandated to have a mini LCD run across her derriere….. They are looking there anyway, well according the first few guys in this video they are ---

Hey it doesn’t have to be a fancy schmancy message it could simply read

“we all have these”

That’s simple enough, right?

Then again maybe it should say

“boys have penises and girls have vaginas”

That way they won’t be so prone to investigate……

Men need reassurance, they want to feel wanted just as much as we do…. They may have a lady at home taking care of business; him, the children, bills, working, cleaning house all that. Fuck you if you think she supposed to answer the door positioned for doggy style after all that shit. Bitch you put down the dumb shit to make the babies put down the dumb shit to concentrate on aiding in their being raised. Fuck, I’m tired of seeing young men in skinny jeans, balls all tight and shit – Because of yall’s lack of guidance the next generation’s sperm count is gon be near non-existent. Daddy too busy running around doing hole checks like that shit comes with a 401 K and Aetna --- We humans are in danger of extinction because needy ass penis stands can’t be satisfied with one woman.

Sure you can get the side piece prego but shit, after a certain age yall gon be birthing mentally/physically challenged mini humans. Why the fuck should that happen?

As I roll my eyes and stomp my feet in anger you all should check out SONCERAE’S youtube at www.youtube.com/sonceraefan

Oh and both men and woman can go here to get a subscription to her magazine
Block Dymez Magazine ---

http://www.blockdymezmagazine.com/

I think it would make a great stocking stuffer, let’s go back to the good old days when men touched their no – no spots in the bathroom while the ball and chain is busy getting ready for the next day. It will save on gas and RX co pays, you can be at home, have the big O and contribute in the banishment of all things skinny jeans related.

Ur Welcome,
Mrs. B

Men are Like Cake

So Ms. Juanita (Baby Boy) had it right, or should I say delivered it right. I am sure that she is not the first to say this and I am certain that I am not the first to actually agree with it.

When you in love with a man,
he can make you feel high.

So high you just be in outer space.

But a man can also make you feel low.

Real low. And he can keep you there.

Keep you down.

If you let him.

Men can make you feel high and I of all people know that they can make you feel low. In all reality men are just like things, they are just like stuff……. Nothing more or nothing less. Before I go on I would like to say that I am sure the “yall women this – yall females that” is coming. Please miss my comment section with that bull shit. Until I sprout a penis and begin to think with it I will continue to blog on the bias.

As I laid in my comfy bed last night I began to think about past relationships and food then my thoughts drifted to past relationships and items…… then out of the blue I began to think of past relationships and employment. One thing that remained consistent with my thoughts were “past relationships” and from that I began to realize just how much men reminded me of stuff in general.

Let’s use cake as an example shall we, I absolutely love love love red velvet cup cakes, cake - anything red velvet. I’d even devour the armadillo cake from Steel Magnolias if I could---- Sometimes I get in the mood for a good old slice or three of cake and as I eat it I feel mmm mmm good, devine, pure euphoria at an orgasmic level. With each bite I sing in my head “I’m eating caakeeee I’m eatttinnng cakkke” and I love it! I gain a few pounds and I see the glass as half full, thick thighs are fine, who cares? Then there are days when I am in a funk, nothing can console me so I do what? I eat cake. Only this time it’s different, these are not happy bites, these are bites of punishment full of remorse, no songs in my head, no tapping of the foot just plain old chewing and hating each and every second of my life. I think “why am I doing this to myself, this cake doesn’t make me happy.” I make me happy – no matter my mood this cake remains the same. I brought myself to this cake, it did not come to me…. It has not forced me to partake in its sweet velvety goodness. This is completely my doing and for what? Just to have a bit of what I like. Just to regret the fact that my waistline is on maternity because of my desire? I am sure by now you are twisting your nose like WTF does cake have to do with men, well I’ll tell ya. It can make me feel high and it can make me feel low. WRONG, I can make me feel high and I can make me feel low. No matter how I feel or what I do that hunk of cake remains the same, it comes off different according to my situation.

As with men. Let’s talk about Satan, There were times when he made me feel like the best thing since sliced bread, I’m just taking it all in…. shucking and a jiving to his beat then on the flip side this same dude would make me feel like the shit on the bottom of someone’s shoe. To who’s fault? None other than my own……. I chose to dance to the good and cry at the bad, all the while he never changed, that was just him. He had his good times and he had his bad times I was the deciding factor in my serenity. It was up to me to choose if I would deal with it and strap up for the roller coaster ride or hop off at the next exit because I knew the results of each mood. There is no changing a man, who’d mess with the perfect Red Velvet Cake recipe? Can you make it better? And if you do then it’s not the same cake that you fell in love with, is it new and improved? Nope not at all. The end result will still leave you full of satisfaction or full of regret. It’s the same damn cake! It’s the same damn man!

Just like shopping, you could spend - spend - spend and remain happy with your purchases, even through bill time! Or you can spend – spend - spend and hate looking into your closet because the articles of clothing take on the hues of final notices. Either way the sport stayed the same, you decided when to go in. You decided what to purchase fully aware of the consequences, this is not your first time completing transactions you are a grown ass woman that has been shopping for years. You my friend are all too familiar with the layout of your favorite store or website. Just as familiar as you are with that man.

Employment doesn’t fall too far from this, life is in fact what you make it. Some folks have been stuck in dead end jobs for years, from one to the next yadda yadda – you know what to expect from this type of employment yet you do nothing to put yourself in a better position. Instead you punch in – punch out – play your numbers and hope for a miracle rescue win. Before you know it the amount of your losing lotto tickets are equivalent to a down payment on your dream home… Your state’s lotto is rolling in dough and your sitting at home scamming on a bag of weed to help spark your creativity because “one day” you gon make it……. Again, just like a man…. How much more will you put into a relationship, (whatever type of relationship it may be) before you realize you’re fucking a damn receipt book?

Look at me rambling – I could go on and on… I just had to get this off of my chest, now it’s time for a slice of cake…. Some light online shopping and a quickie…………..

Mrs. B

Three The Aroused Way- you, your man and a pole

According to Wiki a Strip Club is a nightclub or bar where striptease is regularly performed and possibly other related acts such as lap dancing. While usually considered much less objectionable than more explicit adult entertainment such as sex shows, they are often the focus of morality campaigns and restrictive legislation.

High-end establishments tend to be known as "Gentlemen's Clubs". More down-market competitors may be referred to as titty/tittie bars, rippers, nipple derbies, skin bars, girly bars, nudie bars, or go-go bars. Sometimes, they are referred to as men's clubs (not to be confused with working men's clubs). In a bikini bar, dancers typically do not disrobe completely.

With that being said would you attend such a club with your mate?

Why or why not?

I am on the fence with this one and have been for years. Many factors come into play when discussing such a topic, stuff like

Is he or she mature enough to handle this?

Will he or she become infatuated with the ambiance?

Will he or she eventually end up in a back room on either knees or all fours?

Will he or she decide to partake in the festivities right under your nose………………

Then you have questions like will they respect me in the morning? Oh and will this person’s view point of me change once let in on my particular form of recreational activities? Or vice versa..

If you are in fact in a relationship that both parties wish to pursue further than these are just a few of the concerns that may arise. On the other side your union could be one of fun and games where as a triple date with a pole equipped stage may not be so taboo.

Whatever your situation may be the outcome of such a visit is unique to each individual, I mean after all you never really KNOW somebody until certain situations arise. Do you think Hillary knew upon meeting Bill that he would become president of the US and end up getting “in house” head? Did you think that Morgan Freeman’s wife said “I do” knowing that one day MtM, Morgan and the Mistress would end up in a car wreck on the side of the road?

It’s all about growth and discovering your mate layer by layer until you reach the core which can take years or even a lifetime.

You could go to a strip club with your mate just to get a first hand glimpse of how they would conduct themselves in your presence. You could allow your mate to go to a strip club then go covert mission on their ass and catch the real them in action
Or you can shock the fuck out their ass or have the shit shocked out of you when you or your mate takes the main stage while you are supposed to be elsewhere…….

This whole topic is a tangled web and can only be answered in multiplicity. So have at it folks, would you in fact join your partner for tits and ass or six-packs and penises?

Mrs. B

The Mansplit

Happy Tuesday All!

I have been itching to write a good old fashioned vent blog for quite some time now, I have recently been blessed with the perfect degree of pure Fuckery to get the ball rolling……….. In addition to this cyber temper tantrum that I am about to post I feel the need to ask a few questions. Just to get my queries out into the universe in hopes that some Good Samaritan will pass by my blog and leave some answers in the comment section.

I love men, I swear I do. I don’t want to hurt them. I just want to hug them – kind of like Elmira.

These men out here keep so much shit with them. Half of these bastard children don’t know what the hell to do with themselves. The other half are scared of change and would much rather sit and talk about what it is they want out of life. As yet another decade passes them by they sit and wonder what life could have been. They re-live all the wrong choices they have made from the shouldas to the wouldas as they throw hate at the ones that were bold enough to have a plan and stick to it. You can find one on your nearest corner, stoop, park bench or sofa. (35 years old wearing true religions) Easy to spot they are – just one look into their face gives off that old head vibe, the look of them being the sole human to come from a hard childhood. (The answer for everything) The air about them screams I am the soul survivor of hardships and I fucked up my chance at success therefore those around me must keep me cozy down here. If you listen real close you can hear them chanting the failure of others. You can hear them saying I must stay surrounded by those that are just like me, that way I can continue to justify my failure by not leaving the hood and staying true to my peers. The stench of hindrance that seeps from their pores is almost permanent, kind of like cigarette smoke in your hair. Their mannerisms act out “stay the fuck down here with me dog” without them even moving a muscle.

You can attempt a conversation just for kicks and figure them out by the time your body completes one cycle of blood flow. Psychiatrists say body language aides in pinpointing a lie. Some are so devious as a result of their "upbringing" that they have mastered control of the tell tale signs of bullshitting. They are quick but not as sharp as most. They tell on themselves through contradiction. Their very presence is contradictory. The common line “oh I’m not like the others” loses its finesse when your aura screams otherwise, you are not like the others yet you are a cookie cut of the rest, you want to better yourself without sweating, you want success without hardships, you’re single in a relationship, you have no children but you have two or more kids. The usual. the fuckery, their life.

What about the undecided ones, as wishy- washy as a three year old. I can’t even say a five year old because at that age most children can focus long enough to complete a jumbo puzzle. Going non- stop from sun up to sundown. In lust with everyone out of love for themselves. Selfish for the most part but sweet for personal gain…… No real goal for life, willing to wing it just to get by another day. So stereotypical-Sad I know, so what do we do? We try to coax them into putting that energy and mentality into something worthwhile….. the truth is a necessary pain. It’s imperative in the reconstruction of a stagnant man. Most can’t make it past the realization period and they fold. They tuck themselves inside a 5th of dark liquor or a cigarillo. Would this person think it’s time to quit if they have lived through three eras of roll-ups? These grown ass “keep a nigga” babies gone wrong are really fucking with society. Call it what you want but from my viewpoint the wishy -washiness is a direct result of “daddy wasn’t there” syndrome.

The attachment issues that they hold inside keep them from nurturing others. Its not that they don’t know how, it’s that they only know how when it’s convenient for them. Of course he is going to love you when his ass has no home, the jump offs are hip, his money is low and he knows you’re cooking. That dude is going to be right up in your shit playing house. Don’t get too comfy though because once he deceives his next asset you may forget how he looks for a minute. There goes that drifter thing again. There goes the next woman to be called out her name for scowling at a dude just for saying hi. It’s partly her fault, yeah that is true. In most cases that same woman is an enabler……….. Either way that dude is wrong because more than likely he is on the prowl.

Whew that was a great vent. No for my questions, there are three that have been bothering me for a few months.

1. Why do we continue to enable the wrong type of behavior?

2. Why are some folks so co-dependant that they put up with blatant disrespect on a daily basis?

3. Why do we all have that one friend that you never hear from until their counterpart is messing up and they need someone to talk to?

Mrs. B

One step at a time yall…. One step at a time.

The Side Dish

I wrote this blog months ago, I felt the need to repost this in effort to help out a dear friend of mine that is on the verge of becoming the vegetable of a meat eater………..

So here it goes – this one’s for you girlie!

I wanted to blog today so that I can get some insight on my most recent dilemma. I am sure you have all guessed by now that I have been seeing someone. Well sort of. Let me explain a little about me. I am stingy and selfish, I hate liars and I must get my way. I throw random temper tantrums from the smallest mishaps and I love to smoke cigarettes and drink alcohol. That about sums me up.

This is what I see when I step outside of myself and take a gander at this Sheli person.

Which is why I feel the need to express how I, Sheli, almost ended up as the side chick.

I was on the plate and I almost made it to the table

I mean really, picture me as the string beans! The freaking mashed potatoes and gravy, the corn on the fucking cob, the got damn succotash, the damn asparagus sprinkled with hollandaise sauce, the fucking peas and carrots, the baked macaroni and chee---- wait I don't mind being some bomb ass baked macaroni and cheese –ah hem, my point being – I am the main chick damn it! I don't give two shits about anyone else once I come into play! Call it what you want as long as you call it! My relevance is so necessary.

Let me explain my madness

You may have multiple folks you are dealing with - lets say three. Not necessarily sleeping with them all but these three are the closet thing to you outside of family. Now out of the three there is one that you are head over heels for, the other two are relevant but you really don't care if they ever call or come again, the problem is those are the two that are trying to wife/husband your ass! All the while the keeper really doesn't have time for you. So what do you do? You entertain yourself with fillers. Yes the other two are kept around to compensate for what you want but don't have, you trick yourself into believing they are worth your time. These two combined do everything that you want the keeper to do. Pure misery. Fuckery at it's best. The fillers can do whatever the hell they want with whoever the hell they want but that keeper, oohhh that keeper had better not stray cause then it's gonna be some smoke in the city!

This shit is so fuckin twisted yall, pure selfishness because yeah you may have that one main guy or girl with your fillers on the side and it's fine, because it's you, but man o man why in the hell do you get so fucking pissed when you find out your main guy or girl has a filler or two of his or her own?

Okay on to my point. I started out in this dudes life as filler, which is fine cause he filled plenty 'o nights 'o mine but I'm sayin though, how the fuck you gon attempt to pull the wool over my nosey ass eyes? I know everything damn it! I fucking birthed the next generations Wendy Williams for Pete's sake! The whole no time for Sheli thing is coming to light, either way it goes I don't want to be around for the outcome. Some folks are not cut out for the whole main girl side chick thing because they are weak

Guy A + girls B, C and D = Guy A is chasing girl B
Girl B + guys E, F and G = Girl B is chasing guy E
Guy E + girls H, I and J = Guy E is chasing girl H - And so forth and so on,

A fucking circle. I think I need new shoes

As long as you enter someone's life as filler you will never become the main one. There is always gonna be the one that is truly wanted in the back of their mind and if and when their time comes your ass is gonna be back at the filling station. (If you allow it) It's all or nothing with me, which is totally hypocritical. I can even take it to the whole "do as I say and not as I do thing" Yeah I am having an issue.

I am a woman scorned damn it, there is a mile long list of issues that I have with even the smallest form of commitment. I am sure that dudes have issues as well but I am more important than you damn it!

I need a shrink – I want to vent to someone that gets paid to evaluate me and give me medication prescriptions.

I did a blog about filler once; don't get me wrong they are nice to have. Especially in the winter, but it's when you come across that filler with potential that things get all messy and shit.

I hope this helped - -


Mrs. B

These Grown Ass Children Are Getting On My NERVES!

What the fuck is wrong with you? I have heard of “bi-polar” and all but umm in all my years on God’s green earth I have never met a “tri-polar” I guess I could use the term MPD, nah, fuck that it’s my blog and I like the way “tri-polar” rolls off the tongue. Yall know Mrs. B will self-sabotage the fuck out of a situation and I can honestly say that I had nothing to do with it this time. All I did was say how I felt, since when is that wrong? I mean if my POV is not cool with you then you need to look up the word my. If from the outside you portray a jay chain smoking, stagnant, hypocritical, no goal having, stuck in the past stick in the mud then that’s more than likely what you are. How dare you accuse me of being misinformed? Have you no shame……….. What in the hell were you thinking when the first lie you told me came out your mouth? As if I were dumb enough to believe it! Hmpf! you owe me an apology! Hell you owe me some extra months on my life span, we can work a deal though, seeing as how I chose to continue to entertain myself with you I am willing to sit down and talk about it-

I am not even quite sure how to approach this whole blog. I know this phrase is over used but “all I can say is wow” I am gonna continue to say wow until I calm down………..


BRB

Mrs. B

I'm So Sorry That Your Father's a Perv......

Hello readers, I haven’t been blogging much since I’ve been so busy handling grown up business and camping out at the MVA. I have tried to steer my blog from the personal but yet again another “Sheli’s Wrong” situation has arisen. I will save you the intricate details and give you a basic rundown of the events. Feel free to leave your take on the situation in the comment section. I mean call me crazy but I am quite confident when I say I can determine when someone is being pervy or not. You be the judge.


Ah hem----

I have this childhood friend and like most childhood friendships we considered each other as family. Well this friend started staying with her dad off and on as she got older and there were many times when I would go and visit. We did the normal teenage things, clubbing, drinking, smoking and calling boys – you know the basics. Our bond grew stronger as we got older and we were somewhat inseparable. Until the worst thing in the world happened, I mean just thinking about it makes me want to earl.

My friend went out of town during the time that I was car shopping and she suggested that I enlist her dad to take me to a few lots, fair enough - we all agreed and it was set. Early that morning I got up and went over to her dad’s house and we were on our way. The ride started out normal, the usual banter took place and everything seemed fine. That is until relationships came up. Keep in mind that this is her FATHER! This perverted invert told me that when I was younger and first started dating he wanted to get a piece of me! Umm excuse? No canvas can hold the emotions that ran through me. To add salt to the wound he said that he even told his daughter this on more than one occasion! Add a rack of other perverted fuckery and there you go ---- I called it, I was right --- that nigga's a perv! I count to ten in three languages and tell him that there was or is no chance of anything happening and I consider his daughter family. He then goes on to say how he could help me legally doop Satan (the father of my children for you new readers) and talking about his weak ass retirement money and shit. What was he thinking would happen? Lawdy have mercy Kelly Clarkson Eddie Murphy I deserve a fucking Oscar. After this being said I managed to get through weeks of being around him but not around him.

I guess my friend noticed the difference. Yeah I could have just flat out told her what happened but like I said we know each other and I was certain that she would twist it to make herself look good. Which she did… go figure. I basically told her that I haven’t been around much because old pervo lives with her now and I am uncomfortable around him. In addition to that I don’t want my daughter around him. Is that so wrong? No I don’t think he would try to molest her. I know that he will sit back and look at her until she gets older then more than likely try his pervish hand with my child. Which would result in mass murders and what not, think about it - who wants to live freely for years only to get life for murder? So me being the plan ahead person that I am I decided to cut the shit off at the pass. No I don’t want to be around her dad ever again in life. Coincidentally he lives with her so ummmm 1+1=2. Duhh I wont be stepping foot in her door.

Just to think back on our teen years up until now, the many nights I slept over at his house. The times we would dress for the club or even lay around the house in our pajamas. The times we would dance to our favorite songs and go on outings together…. This Muther Fucker was having sexual thoughts about me! This girl even went so far as to brush off my reason with an LOL. Yeah that’s maturity at its finest. Don’t inquire about the accusation just LOL and say that I “made up a lame excuse as to why I haven’t been around” Yeah that sounds right I would totally accuse someone’s father of something like this for no apparent reason………..


Mrs. B

Smoke Your Shit

In the history of all that’s holy I have never witnessed someone geek for weed. I was astounded. I have never seen a grown ass man try to cover up weed-fits with petty arguments. I have dabbled with the green wonder in the past but never have I just HAD TO have it. Weed has caused many a man to become stagnant in my generation and I think that’s just fucked up. I was recently awarded the opportunity to hang out with a “weed head” trust me when I tell you the shit is revolting. Seeing as how I live above the influence I was a square amongst circles of smoke, just passing my time away with limited cable television and 7-11 snacks. While this façade of a man re-enacted Dyson infomercials I had time to think about exactly why I gave up the weed.

It was the spring of 1998 and I was a senior at Spingarn SHS. My best friend and I decided to smoke a few jays before heading into school. This was not quite the norm for us as we would usually hit one before leaving my house then one at the bus stop. Which makes two a day. This time we wanted to spice up the fuckery we saw on the daily with a little more than two jays. We hit like two more and headed in the building just in time to be late for my favorite class. One because the teacher was cool as shit and two because my high school stalkee was in that class……. He was such a dream. I must say that was one mission worth plotting on. Wooo-Hooo, anyway this class was so freaking easy to get through, all you had to do was show up, copy some shit down, answer some questions and turn it in. Simple enough right? Well I learned it’s not so simple under a magnified influence.

After being surveyed by our teacher as to why we were late, we settled into our seats. I was nervous as fuck because I knew she smelled the damn weed on us. Amidst me and my homies giggles and snickers I managed to take out my notebook to begin the assignment. I glance over at my homie and she is so enthralled in the lesson that it motivated me to get started. I complete the work turn it in and prepare to stare at my beau until it was time to head out the door. The bell rings and I am asked to stay after class. I’m like shiiiiitttttttt, I knew she could smell the damn weed. I approach the teachers desk, belly full of butterflies and she asks “what’s going on with you today?” I’m like “I’m chilling, how’s your day going so far?” “Cute” she smirks, then slides my assignment across the desk. I pick it up and begin to laugh hysterically. My more than high ass wrote the same sentence over and over again – go figure. She tells me she wants a conference with my father as soon as possible. That one statement changed my life forever. I straightened up real quick and began to hang myself even more by admitting my wrong and begging her not to tell. After a drawn out speech and a river of tears it finally sunk in that weed can make an ass out of you.

Ironically as I sat and watched my real time Dyson infomercial all I could think about was that day in high school……… I kept picturing her face and the writing on that damn page. I felt the same way I felt back then looking at this stagnant ass individual. My head filled with “womp-womps” and images of The Chappelle’s Show. I wanted out and I followed my own lead. My lesson to all - Smoke the weed don’t let it smoke you…………

Mrs B.

You're Lacking

Hello all, I am fresh from the bat cave and ready to com-fucking-plain. It’s the same fucking thing over and over, history damn sure repeats itself and through comparing notes with my cousin over the last few days I have realized that change comes to no man. I don’t mean man as in human I mean man as in yall mutha fuckers that walk around with your brains stretched between your legs, hanging between balls of Satan. I am not angry or mad as hell. I am disappointed in the last three fucking generations. Pissed off as the place where more than most of yall bastards were bred. How the fuck you gon be in your mid forties with seven fucking children and still be lame as fuck? How in the birth place of you are you going to go from baby one to baby seven and not change nothing but your draws? I swear the same shit different day was derived by an angry woman.

Bombay won the poll and we witnessed straight DC fuckery at it’s finest over this Valentines/I call time weekend. I have to quickly relay the bullshit so that to can be released into the universe further concreting the fact that me and relationships will more than likely lead to a nice cushy box or cell depending on my reflexes.

Situation One

Actually happened on Valentines Day. I was extremely comfortable and content with my most faithful suitor, Sir Bombay Sapphire, when I walk into the pits of hell, disguised as a birthday party for a child. To sum up the evening events, my friend and children’s aunt had a party for her son. Which of course turned into a grown up party. Not in the sense that you are thinking, this shit turned into some old Judge Judy Hatchett-Ephiram type shit. I mean her and her friends actually coaxed three men one of which is her husband into laying out their most recent troubles in front of everyone….. Umm yeah I was sure the night would end in violence. Of course I joined in on the grilling. This shit went from one broad whom we all just met voicing how her “man” is upset because she doesn’t swallow to someone removing locks from his “baby mommas” door to get in and catch her slipping. I swear this shit was you tube worthy… If only I carried release forms and a video camera on my person at all times………

Moving on, I left the “party” only to get a phone call from my friend saying her husband stole the fuck out of her on the balcony and she’s in the parking lot with no keys. Yes I hauled ass back to her house to find out her and her mother had to beat that niggas ass for hitting her and I was too late, or so I thought. I get there and the punk bitch has a nerve to come back into the house….. Use your imagination people…….

In the end I hate woman beaters; they are evil and need to be destroyed.

Situation Two

My cousin has two children by a man in his mid forties that has the mind of a pre-teen. How it happened, I don’t know. Why she stayed with him, I have no clue. Why this nigga didn’t show up to his daughter’s birthday party but came around empty handed after the festivities and promised her a toy then didn’t come around for two days…… DIPPERS!

Get the fuck from the Pentacle and raise your children! You fucked up on five you would think these two would inspire your weak ass. Nope your motivation is the time the dipper spot becomes available. WTF? You old as shit. Bitch you bout to reach retirement and all your eligible children qualify for a mere $84 a month. Where did you life go? Has anybody seen his manhood? I believe it leaked out when his umbilical cord was cut. If you happen to see his common sense and shit laying on the wayside please send it to P.O. Box my cousin makes bad choices 666.

Yeah she saw that he didn’t raise the first five when they met, I guess he got game. The jig is up bastard they are here now. Take a bath and embrace fatherhood.

I could go on and on but I won’t - I have had enough. Fini I am, is that French? Either way I say fuck it….. These bastards will not change. I posted a blog on myspace as to why. I must post it after this. I can say part of the blame is females.

Mrs. B

The Plus Sign, The Two Lines, The Pregnant

I want to talk about the selfishness in men. Some say women are greedy and selfish, I say oh hell no! It’s the men out here that want it all and then have the nerve to be stingy with what they have. When starting a new relationship everything is usually cool. There’s the common courtesy, the opening of doors, the massages and the great sex blah blah fuckin blah. Then the glasses come off and the good starts to dwindle. There is no need for me to run down the goings on in the beginning of a relationship. Yall know what’s up. I am here to rant and complain about when the shit starts to go bad. When the lies get to whirling and the cheating begins. The first venture out once he stops opening doors and doesn’t probe for the usual morning quickie quite as often as he used to. The time when what you cook isn’t what he wanted and what you do becomes of great concern. Yeah, I’m talking about when the pregnancy test comes back positive……………………..

Not all but most dudes get to rippin and running once their girl becomes prego. I know from personal experience. Not only my relationship but countless others have suffered from wayward penises. Think about it, before you become prego you are the it girl, you hang out, drink, smoke, chill, live your life – do everything together. The sex is great and you are basically inseparable. This can carry over to the mid months of pregnancy. Of course the relationship has increasingly dwindled by then because you can’t or shouldn’t smoke or drink while with child. You also can’t go out as much because you are growing up in a sense. You feel the need to prepare for baby, you’re tired, bloated, hungry, and irritated – your body is rapidly changing. Things that felt good don’t feel so hot anymore and things that were once irritating may now be what you want to do. During this time where is old boy? Out with the it girl.

You may not notice it at first because you are too busy planning for a child. Slowly the sex dries up, not because you don’t want it, sometimes you just don’t have the energy. Hell, in some instances the sex becomes better. Positions become more difficult. The selfish greedy bastard wants more. What does the average man do….. he forces himself to get cheating right in his mind. Some guys don’t mature with your belly, they are still stuck in doing me mode. Doing them usually involves an us every now and then. You can no longer make up that us and dude is weak so he goes and finds whatever/whoever he can to compensate for the lack of you. Some men are so fucking dumb they get the it girl prego and she joins the first wives club. Then of course they move on to the next one.

Selfish greedy bastards they are. Men. Some may wife up the prego chick, for fucking what? A guaranteed place to live? That’s about all the shit is worth especially when you’re constantly out doing what the fuck you want to do. That shit makes me want to pop up at random wedding ceremonies and scream “who” right after a muther fucker says “I do” This guy is mad at you because you want to clean house instead of lay up all day. So what does he usually do? Run out and find a chick that’s into the same shit as he is…. Then wonder why the chick’s house stays dirty and someone always has her damn offspring! That’s what you wanted right? To lay up all day? Oh what was that? Her house didn’t come with the magical cleaning fairies that ours did? Huh, her kitchen isn’t equipped with the new and improved “Just say what you feel like eating and it pops up on the table 4000?”Damn, it wasn’t worth it huh? The effort that dude put into conceiving the child should be the exact same effort he puts into maintaining the relationship and household.

How the hell can dude have the audacity to become possessive and get angry when shit doesn’t go his way? Really now, when you are accused of cheating off a simple trip to wall mart and target that ran long something isn’t right. This coming from the same guy that goes to the “special” liquor store across town because that’s where his homies are. You know the store that takes at least four hours to go to and get back from….. yeah the “special” one. Oh and please don’t go somewhere and look clean, you’re sleeping with the whole neighborhood! This from a dude that only wears t-shirts and jeans but pops up with the flair of the moment ensemble just to run up the street right quick.

I have been on both sides of the fence. Cheated on and cheated. Neither feels good. I have cheated out of spite from being cheated on. Two wrongs don’t make it right. I missed that memo. I got pregnant and thus began my ordeal, the one mistake I made was allowing him to stay. I guess it happened for a reason, as does everything else in life right? I guess saying wrap it up would be appropriate and what not right about now so WRAP IT UP. In addition to that I want to urge the females to take them oral contraceptives, apply those patches, insert them nuva rings and get those depo-provera shots like your life depends on it! Ironically it does.

Mrs. B

Lies and Cheaters, Cheaters and Lies

Isn’t it crazy how these two words are destined to go hand in hand? If you cheat you will eventually have to lie. No matter how “honest” you are with those you are seeing a lie will surface somehow. These two words have kept me from establishing a relationship on more than one occasion. I can’t call it self-sabotage because half the time I won’t get past hello. Some of these dudes just look like they cheat and lie. Some of these dudes act as if they appeared out of nowhere and you didn’t just hear their loud ass phone conversation or you didn’t just hear their verbal exchange with their homie. The nerve of the “obvious cheaters and liars” I can give you all a prime example….

One day I was sitting at New Carrollton Station and two bus drivers walked up. One was telling his homie how his girl had switched the sim in their phones yet again and caught him cheating. He went on to say how it doesn’t matter because she’ll forgive him anyway and so on and so forth. Do yall know this idiot had the audacity to ask me for my phone number? So I responded “I don’t do females, your girl will be the one calling” He was stuck like shit, couldn’t say a word. Oh but I mustn’t leave out the fact that his homie laughed him out and had the nerve to say he is married but he’d love to call me sometime. What the fuck is wrong with society? Have you no shame?

Oh I have to throw this one in……

One morning I went into a corner deli to purchase my usual coffee and snacks and there was a guy in there on his cell phone. He was telling whoever that was on the other end and the whole deli about his recent escapades. He stated that he couldn’t pick whoever up because his car was shot up the night before and he is going to get so and so’s car to go and get whoever back because his man got hit and some other nonsense. Guess what yall, this mutha fucker had the nerve to ask me for my phone number. All I could do is stare blankly into his eyes and try and figure out how much of his brain cells he had smoked away…………………………..I left without an answer to the tune of “hey shawty, I can’t call you”

Back to the cheaters and the liars, you are all pretty much identifiable from the jump. My dumb ass just doesn’t give two shits and I still get involved. I almost get a kick out of listening to you lie to me. LOL, it’s not like we are going to prosper, why not have some giggles on you? Yeah I set myself up for failure. It’s almost like there is a secret society of Cheaters and Liars that have yearly quotas to meet and shit. The mess is so rampant I am forced to tell any potential fling, “don’t bother” I have enough trouble deciphering and sorting the tales of my enemies I have no time to sort through a whole new ordeal.

Hopefully one of my readers can help me out. I just want to know why, why do men lie? Why do they establish relationships, take vows and help make babies only to cheat and then eventually lie? I don’t want to waste my time getting to know someone only for his wife or baby momma n dem to come a calling telling me how he’s their “man” honestly, is that what you want? To each it’s own. I don’t want to get myself involved with who I think will be great in my future only to have him secretly wanting my boy cousin to do dirty things to him. That’s not even where it’s at. Why would I take the time to court and get to know you if you are only going to spend our time apart setting the foundation for ultimate bull shit? My point is there is none. There is no point to establishing anything with anyone these days. I am too old to be a future and too young to be a past. Stuck in the middle of pure undeniable fuckery. I want out.


Mrs B

I don't want to play and you can't make me

I am far too old to unwittingly participate in the games of those in their second childhood. There is no time for “I’m not gonna call her for a few days to see if she calls me” That shit right there is the quickest way to get swept under the rug, I tend to forget the irrelevant so you might not want to make yourself scarce. Oh and the one word reply texts – miss me with that bullshit. That shit has been coming at me from all angles lately. What The Fuck Did I Do? Damn homie, bitter much? You’re so vain I am sure you think this entire blog is about you…….It’s not……. It’s merely a compilation of the recent events in my life.

Young, I just stopped smoking and my nerves are bad. Not one but most have done me wrong so of course I am bitter towards men and relationships. Of-freaking-course I have become quite the self sabotage expert. How selfish of each of you to come along with your bullshit! I AM THE focal point here damn it.

You put me out your mind? I am honored to oblige – just don’t contact me in the future

We haven’t spoken in a minute and you are bitter so you shun me – the nerve of you

Sometimes I just don’t want to talk on the phone, sometimes I don’t want to be bothered. I can go weeks without talking to someone and pick up our last conversation without missing a beat – if I wanted to. Bitch you know I am fucked up, head full of damaged goods. I was impregnated by the belly of the beast for Christ’s sake (no pun intended) I have to be handled with care you fucking selfish bastards! If you don’t have the patience or were ill informed of the meaning of fragile then leave me alone. IJS. Save us both some trouble


----Done Ranting


Mrs. B