She has my number like Nah Nah Knee Nah Nah -

The names in the proceeding blog have been altered in effort to protect the author from going from bank accounts to commissary.

On Saturday evening fuckery occurred and I am not pleased at all. I was chillin-chillin minding my business when my cell phone rang. A foreign number illuminated my screen and the little devil on my shoulder got to dancing. When this happens I usually stifle his ass and go on about whatever I am doing, I do this because whenever he gets to dancing on my shoulder I know trouble is a-brewing. I was a tad tipsy and against my better judgment I let that tiny menace talk me into pushing the green button. Why has thou forsaken me lord? Have you no shame Satan? What I’m gon do yall? What I’m gon do?

I believe I am too sexy – all the boys wanna get with me I’m black Barbie up all night having fun I like to party just like the white one--- (that’s my ringtone)

Inmate # 20018 -Hello

Inmate # 20018 -Hello

Inamte # 20018 - Hel-fuckin-lo

Mrs. Chicken -Oh is this inmate # 20018, this is Mrs. Chicken I have a question

Inmate # 20018 -hey Mrs. Chicken what’s up?

Mrs. Chicken- well have you seen satan? He’s missing

(I chuckle at the thought of me knocking all her fronts out for calling my phone with pure bullshit)

Inmate #20018 -ummmmm Mrs.Chicken is he missing from his mother or from you?

Mrs. Chicken -from me

Inmate # 20018 -girl bye then his ass aint missing then

Mrs. Chicken -but he has been gone for two hours

Inmate # 20018 -Girl what you saying? Even the police wait 24 hours before they file a missing persons report. You are calling me of all people – why?

Mrs. Chicken -well because you his babies momma and he always answers the phone for you and I thought you could tell me where he is

Inmate #20018 -Heifer If you don’t go somewhere and get grown ! why in the hell would I know where he is? What I can tell you is who he’s cheating on you with, call Little Miss Make up that’s who keeps tabs on his dusty ass.

Mrs. Chicken -oh I know he cheats on me with her, I’ma call her phone too but I don’t like calling her cuz she plays on the phone.

Inmate # 20018 -did you hear what you just said when you said it?

Mrs. Chicken -Yeah why

Inmate # 20018 -and you still think it sounds good when said out loud?

Mrs. Chicken- I mean I am sayin I know he runs around and I keep asking him to stop but he wont. He has been not answering his phone for two hours. I know he will answer if you call because he always does when I am with him

Inmate # 20018 – Mrs. Chicken, please refrain from contacting me. Like you were told before Satan is now your problem. I have no desire to contact him unless it’s regarding him playing dad for a few days……. I have no idea where he goes or what he does I do know that you are one of many and he will never change. He’s gonna end up just like his dad and brothers and you are the perfect person to go along for the ride.

Mrs. Chicken –Well I keep asking him to change but he wont, now he wont answer his phone or call me back. He’s probably with little Mrs. Make up like you said earlier I don’t know if I want to leave him alone. I just want you to know that I been had your number.

Inmate #20018 -Let me call the national guard…………

Okay that about sums up the conversation and there is a shitload of things wrong in this blog. Let me point out my favorites.

#1 Why in the hell is Mrs. Chicken snooping through Satan’s phone for my number?

#2 Why in the hell would Satan allow himself to be so vulnerable as to allow her access to his phone? *side note, when satan and I lived together he suffered from wayward penis syndrome, it was so bad that he would literally sleep with his phone in his pocket with his hand on the phone*

#3 Why in the hell would she call me as if I am going to run down his whereabouts for free?

#4 Who the hell drunk dials these days? I mean I drunk text and all but damn!

#5 Did that nut really say that she knows he is running around cheating on her and she “asked” him to stop? Blessed is his name yall because a bitch was about to buy some contractor clean up bags off this one!

Oh and #6 Did this train wreck really attempt to converse with me about Satan as if we were sipping hot tea and nibbling on butter cookies at a corner bistro some damn where?

Lawdy #7 Did she attempt to one up me by saying that she been had my number? Someone needs a sanity test.

I mean I MOVED out of state people….. the fuckery follows….. It’s like the IRS and shit. You can never escape its wrath.

Mrs. B

Don’t pull that out of sight out of mind shit on me either yall-

Mrs. B's Crush of the Week!

Well crushes------

They are soooo ready for the world!!

A Letter To My Auntie

I wrote this a few months back, a friednd of mine just realized what I was talking about ------ I just wanted to share.......

Dear Auntie,

There is no nice way to say this to you, I mean I do respect my elders to a certain extent and I know that one wrong comment to you can make my life a living hell for days at a time. I have to give it to you straight though - because I am tired of tip toeing around "hoping" that you won’t get wind of how I really and truly feel about you. We have been engaged in a love hate relationship for over the last ten years and I have never once been able to voice my opinion to you. It’s like I hate your ass with a passion every time you come around but at the same time I yearn for you when you take too long to come back.

Oh and don’t you even say you have always been there for me, don’t you dare. You abandoned me for over nine whole months during the course of our relationship, not once but twice. The only reason why that was cool was because of what came out of the neglect. Real funny stopping by those first four months as if nothing was going on, Sure I played a part in your absence but that is no reason to try and ditch me like this in my time of need.
Auntie for real I need you right now, I need you like no other. I can’t make it without you, please find it somewhere in your soul to get me through this. How can I go forth with my plans without you by my side Auntie? You know that you are one of the main reasons why I can gather my thoughts to plan for my future. Okay I know you disagreed with me getting that Depo shot because it drove us apart, I apologize for that. From the bottom of my heart I really know that I messed up. You must understand that I had to protect myself in order to be able to get myself on track. I thought we made amends, I guess you tricked me huh? The joke is all on Sheli right now.

Enough is enough Auntie, I need you to get your ass here asap! Do you seriously believe that because I only see you once a month that I will not catch your ass? Hell to the naw auntie, the best thing for you to do is plant your ass in my womb and then get your flow on like no other. Now is not the time for jokes I have way too much stuff popping off for you to desert me like this. The best thing you can do for me is make a cameo, do it for me, do it for the children, do it for my piece of mind. I am borderline basket case right now and the pre Auntie Flow pangs that pierce my side will be welcomed with open arms this time, I swear to you auntie I have learned my lesson and I appreciate you and all that you do for me.
Sincerely,

Mrs. B

P.S. I will even spring for the fancy "equipment" just for you, so please please PLEASE let me see you in the next 7 days, you can pop up at anytime I swear I will not curse you for showing up unannounced.

*** Oh readers, please leave encouraging messages to sway auntie my way****

These Grown Ass Children Are Getting On My NERVES!

What the fuck is wrong with you? I have heard of “bi-polar” and all but umm in all my years on God’s green earth I have never met a “tri-polar” I guess I could use the term MPD, nah, fuck that it’s my blog and I like the way “tri-polar” rolls off the tongue. Yall know Mrs. B will self-sabotage the fuck out of a situation and I can honestly say that I had nothing to do with it this time. All I did was say how I felt, since when is that wrong? I mean if my POV is not cool with you then you need to look up the word my. If from the outside you portray a jay chain smoking, stagnant, hypocritical, no goal having, stuck in the past stick in the mud then that’s more than likely what you are. How dare you accuse me of being misinformed? Have you no shame……….. What in the hell were you thinking when the first lie you told me came out your mouth? As if I were dumb enough to believe it! Hmpf! you owe me an apology! Hell you owe me some extra months on my life span, we can work a deal though, seeing as how I chose to continue to entertain myself with you I am willing to sit down and talk about it-

I am not even quite sure how to approach this whole blog. I know this phrase is over used but “all I can say is wow” I am gonna continue to say wow until I calm down………..


BRB

Mrs. B

I'm So Sorry That Your Father's a Perv......

Hello readers, I haven’t been blogging much since I’ve been so busy handling grown up business and camping out at the MVA. I have tried to steer my blog from the personal but yet again another “Sheli’s Wrong” situation has arisen. I will save you the intricate details and give you a basic rundown of the events. Feel free to leave your take on the situation in the comment section. I mean call me crazy but I am quite confident when I say I can determine when someone is being pervy or not. You be the judge.


Ah hem----

I have this childhood friend and like most childhood friendships we considered each other as family. Well this friend started staying with her dad off and on as she got older and there were many times when I would go and visit. We did the normal teenage things, clubbing, drinking, smoking and calling boys – you know the basics. Our bond grew stronger as we got older and we were somewhat inseparable. Until the worst thing in the world happened, I mean just thinking about it makes me want to earl.

My friend went out of town during the time that I was car shopping and she suggested that I enlist her dad to take me to a few lots, fair enough - we all agreed and it was set. Early that morning I got up and went over to her dad’s house and we were on our way. The ride started out normal, the usual banter took place and everything seemed fine. That is until relationships came up. Keep in mind that this is her FATHER! This perverted invert told me that when I was younger and first started dating he wanted to get a piece of me! Umm excuse? No canvas can hold the emotions that ran through me. To add salt to the wound he said that he even told his daughter this on more than one occasion! Add a rack of other perverted fuckery and there you go ---- I called it, I was right --- that nigga's a perv! I count to ten in three languages and tell him that there was or is no chance of anything happening and I consider his daughter family. He then goes on to say how he could help me legally doop Satan (the father of my children for you new readers) and talking about his weak ass retirement money and shit. What was he thinking would happen? Lawdy have mercy Kelly Clarkson Eddie Murphy I deserve a fucking Oscar. After this being said I managed to get through weeks of being around him but not around him.

I guess my friend noticed the difference. Yeah I could have just flat out told her what happened but like I said we know each other and I was certain that she would twist it to make herself look good. Which she did… go figure. I basically told her that I haven’t been around much because old pervo lives with her now and I am uncomfortable around him. In addition to that I don’t want my daughter around him. Is that so wrong? No I don’t think he would try to molest her. I know that he will sit back and look at her until she gets older then more than likely try his pervish hand with my child. Which would result in mass murders and what not, think about it - who wants to live freely for years only to get life for murder? So me being the plan ahead person that I am I decided to cut the shit off at the pass. No I don’t want to be around her dad ever again in life. Coincidentally he lives with her so ummmm 1+1=2. Duhh I wont be stepping foot in her door.

Just to think back on our teen years up until now, the many nights I slept over at his house. The times we would dress for the club or even lay around the house in our pajamas. The times we would dance to our favorite songs and go on outings together…. This Muther Fucker was having sexual thoughts about me! This girl even went so far as to brush off my reason with an LOL. Yeah that’s maturity at its finest. Don’t inquire about the accusation just LOL and say that I “made up a lame excuse as to why I haven’t been around” Yeah that sounds right I would totally accuse someone’s father of something like this for no apparent reason………..


Mrs. B

Smoke Your Shit

In the history of all that’s holy I have never witnessed someone geek for weed. I was astounded. I have never seen a grown ass man try to cover up weed-fits with petty arguments. I have dabbled with the green wonder in the past but never have I just HAD TO have it. Weed has caused many a man to become stagnant in my generation and I think that’s just fucked up. I was recently awarded the opportunity to hang out with a “weed head” trust me when I tell you the shit is revolting. Seeing as how I live above the influence I was a square amongst circles of smoke, just passing my time away with limited cable television and 7-11 snacks. While this façade of a man re-enacted Dyson infomercials I had time to think about exactly why I gave up the weed.

It was the spring of 1998 and I was a senior at Spingarn SHS. My best friend and I decided to smoke a few jays before heading into school. This was not quite the norm for us as we would usually hit one before leaving my house then one at the bus stop. Which makes two a day. This time we wanted to spice up the fuckery we saw on the daily with a little more than two jays. We hit like two more and headed in the building just in time to be late for my favorite class. One because the teacher was cool as shit and two because my high school stalkee was in that class……. He was such a dream. I must say that was one mission worth plotting on. Wooo-Hooo, anyway this class was so freaking easy to get through, all you had to do was show up, copy some shit down, answer some questions and turn it in. Simple enough right? Well I learned it’s not so simple under a magnified influence.

After being surveyed by our teacher as to why we were late, we settled into our seats. I was nervous as fuck because I knew she smelled the damn weed on us. Amidst me and my homies giggles and snickers I managed to take out my notebook to begin the assignment. I glance over at my homie and she is so enthralled in the lesson that it motivated me to get started. I complete the work turn it in and prepare to stare at my beau until it was time to head out the door. The bell rings and I am asked to stay after class. I’m like shiiiiitttttttt, I knew she could smell the damn weed. I approach the teachers desk, belly full of butterflies and she asks “what’s going on with you today?” I’m like “I’m chilling, how’s your day going so far?” “Cute” she smirks, then slides my assignment across the desk. I pick it up and begin to laugh hysterically. My more than high ass wrote the same sentence over and over again – go figure. She tells me she wants a conference with my father as soon as possible. That one statement changed my life forever. I straightened up real quick and began to hang myself even more by admitting my wrong and begging her not to tell. After a drawn out speech and a river of tears it finally sunk in that weed can make an ass out of you.

Ironically as I sat and watched my real time Dyson infomercial all I could think about was that day in high school……… I kept picturing her face and the writing on that damn page. I felt the same way I felt back then looking at this stagnant ass individual. My head filled with “womp-womps” and images of The Chappelle’s Show. I wanted out and I followed my own lead. My lesson to all - Smoke the weed don’t let it smoke you…………

Mrs B.