Happy Snow Day To All

Over my morning Chai I realized I can relax today. No worries, demolish the chirren with snowballs and poke fun at the city workers clearing snow. Good times shall be had by all yippee!!!! If you are off then enjoy your day, if you are working - sucks for you, I’ll have two minutes of fun in your honor!

You’re Welcome

Mrs. B

What I'm Watching

The Secret Life of an American Teenager

I love this show for so many reasons.

Created by Brenda Hampton (7th Heaven) it covers Amy, a 15 year old high school student that gets prego mid school year by Ricky, an ass of a boy with a disturbing past. She then finds love and attempts to find resolution with current boyfriend Ben (son of the “Sausage King”) LMAO at that. The plot includes everything from a fake ID ring to absent parents trying to sell unborn babies. The cast personifies top flight fuckery and I love it. You have everything from philandering fathers to a kid reminiscent of Corky (Life Goes On) It really sheds a much needed light on family structure and teenage pregnancy in America. This show captured my eye because not only does it cover every day trials it exemplifies the fact that teenage pregnancy is not limited to African American and Hispanic youth. Although this series is based on a 15 year old prego teenager the writers have done an excellent job at incorporating a number of true to life situations into each episode without losing their significance. In doing this a true classic has been born, everyone from tweens to grandma can get something out of The Secret Life of an American Teenager.

There are also few familiar faces in this series; Camille Winbush (The Bernie Mac Show), Jordan Lewis (Just Jordan), Molly Ringwald (Sixteen Candles) and Steve Schirripa (The Sopranos). I watch this show with Lil’ Wendy and we love it. This is definitely a must see in my book. You can catch it on Mondays at 8pm on the ABC Family Channel.

Mrs. B

Dude, Stop calling my phone!

Finally he has gotten the point. I didn’t have to get ignorant with him and my cell phone is at peace with itself.

I met this guy a few months back while out and about with some friends. He was in their circle, a tad young for me and he had long hair, totally not my type. As the night went on the kid grew on me so I decided what the hell I’ll give him my number it couldn’t be that bad. Well I was horribly wrong. This dude is a habitual stalker liar. I believe he believes his lies wholeheartedly. It’s embarrassing even, I am ashamed for his being.

While chatting it up outside of a bmore nightspot he told me he was parked around the corner and if I wanted a ride home he’d give me one. Shame on him to think I would hop in the car with his young ass. I don’t care if he knows my friends, he was suspect. The last time I got a ride from a guy I fell in lust and am still dealing with the after shock. They do that hacking thing here but umm, yeah I am no hacker lol. So he goes on to say how he lives with his cousin not too far away and works in construction, you know the usual first conversation garb and what not. Of course I acted as if I was so into what he was saying in effort to keep him talking. That way I didn’t have to reveal much about myself. You know asking him questions about his work and family life yadda yadda… blah blah blah.

Moving on, I gave him my number because 1. we decided that I could do his hair and 2. like I said, he grew on me. This dude literally blew my phone up for like three days straight. That was the ultimate red flag. I finally returned his calls after I got a message about him wanting his hair done and I agreed to go on over to his house. We had light conversation and in that one phone call his whole truth was revealed. I really didn’t care because at that point it was all about making some money and the lies he told were obviously meant for someone that had an attraction to him. I had to grill him as to why he had so much time on his hands to repeatedly call me, especially during work hours. This boy didn’t have job the first, his ass is a dang day laborer. Getting work at the 7-11 with the amigos and what not. In addition to that he lied about his living situation and car, what he meant to say was that there was “A” car parked around the corner and he lived with his cousin’s auntie.

This dude really expected me to pick him up or give him bus directions to my house! First of all you will never know where I live, I have had one Baltimore stalker and I can do without another. So I’m like what happened to your car? He said the usual oh, nah nah nah blah blah something or other without answering my question. Then I say I’ll come to you, no problem…. I got over there and I swore Whittney was gonna pop from around a corner yelling Bobbayyy! This house was crackish as hell. My comfort level dropped like a whores draws. I faked an emergency and rolled the hell out of there asap. When I say this bamma rang my phone, I mean he rang my phone! I told him on several occasions that I just couldn’t do his hair. He then wanted to get deeper and asked me out! WTF? Where exactly do you think I am going to go with you? He really tried his hand. After awhile I just stopped answering the phone. Then the texts started, the voicemails, the endless ringing that would force me to turn my phone on silent. I even got fed up to the point where I just flat out told him. DON’T Call my phone! The slow fuck still called. I refused to change my number off this mess. I was like yeah this is stalkerish as hell.

I barely even know him, attempted to do his hair once and talked to him maybe four times on the phone…… He must be on something.

I am just ecstatic to announce that it has officially been three weeks since he rang my phone……….. I don’t know what happened but I am sure glad it did.

Mrs. B

Mrs. B's Crush of the Week!

Hill Harper, Because I can, you know I Can – Can !

Mrs. B, Don’t you love it?

FUCK YOU FRIDAY

This Weekly post is an open invitation for each of you to give a huge FUCK YOU to whomever or whatever has been on your last nerve lately.

This FUCK YOU is brought to you by Sunsweet Prune Juice (found at your local grocer)

So that you may let the SHIT go!


I wan’t to start off the FUCK YOUS with a huge FUCK YOU to the common cold! BITCH I can’t taste my food.

And round it off with a grand FUCK YOU to cheap ass Kleenex and ungrateful men – I am tired of running through both yall asses


Feel free to leave your FUCK YOU’S in the comment section


You’re welcome

Mrs. B

Akon is dumb as shit

The hypno-voiced Akon really needs some attention right now. And look at me giving it right to him. He claims he doesn’t know his age. Did he say that dumb shit when he was accused of semi molesting that young chick at that show? I hope he did. I would pay money to hear him sang that shit to a judge………. All that he is good for in my eyes is songwriting, who gives two shits about how old he is? I could do without his voice –hence- songwriting. His voice makes me want to stab people and burn things. Old dude has some subliminal shit going on. Or should I say young dude?

His Aaliyah moment:
"In Africa ... age is not important over there. They don't care. People only focus on it here (America) and in Europe."

His shouldn’t have said that out loud moment:
"All it's going to do is depress me," he told The Associated Press in a recent interview. "I don't want to know I'm getting older. Then I'll start to think about getting checkups and insurance. I don't want that." <---Bitch, you’re a top selling artist without health insurance? You dumb as shit.

His lets see if this sounds as good outside of a courtroom as it does inside moment:
Akon says when people ask, he just gives him a figure that comes to mind. "I feel like I'm 21 right now," he says. "And I'll be 21 for the next 10 years"

I believe he is on the run, before stardom he lived his life as various male relatives.

His I done gon and confused myself moment:
Numerous reports have put his age between 25 to 35 years old. In 2006, he gave his age as 25. But now, he claims his birth certificate shows he was born on April 16, 1977, which would make him 31.

Even though Akon has a birth certificate, he says his age is still a mystery — and he'd rather keep it that way. ----- mmmm hhhhmmmmmm.

Mrs. B

The Plus Sign, The Two Lines, The Pregnant

I want to talk about the selfishness in men. Some say women are greedy and selfish, I say oh hell no! It’s the men out here that want it all and then have the nerve to be stingy with what they have. When starting a new relationship everything is usually cool. There’s the common courtesy, the opening of doors, the massages and the great sex blah blah fuckin blah. Then the glasses come off and the good starts to dwindle. There is no need for me to run down the goings on in the beginning of a relationship. Yall know what’s up. I am here to rant and complain about when the shit starts to go bad. When the lies get to whirling and the cheating begins. The first venture out once he stops opening doors and doesn’t probe for the usual morning quickie quite as often as he used to. The time when what you cook isn’t what he wanted and what you do becomes of great concern. Yeah, I’m talking about when the pregnancy test comes back positive……………………..

Not all but most dudes get to rippin and running once their girl becomes prego. I know from personal experience. Not only my relationship but countless others have suffered from wayward penises. Think about it, before you become prego you are the it girl, you hang out, drink, smoke, chill, live your life – do everything together. The sex is great and you are basically inseparable. This can carry over to the mid months of pregnancy. Of course the relationship has increasingly dwindled by then because you can’t or shouldn’t smoke or drink while with child. You also can’t go out as much because you are growing up in a sense. You feel the need to prepare for baby, you’re tired, bloated, hungry, and irritated – your body is rapidly changing. Things that felt good don’t feel so hot anymore and things that were once irritating may now be what you want to do. During this time where is old boy? Out with the it girl.

You may not notice it at first because you are too busy planning for a child. Slowly the sex dries up, not because you don’t want it, sometimes you just don’t have the energy. Hell, in some instances the sex becomes better. Positions become more difficult. The selfish greedy bastard wants more. What does the average man do….. he forces himself to get cheating right in his mind. Some guys don’t mature with your belly, they are still stuck in doing me mode. Doing them usually involves an us every now and then. You can no longer make up that us and dude is weak so he goes and finds whatever/whoever he can to compensate for the lack of you. Some men are so fucking dumb they get the it girl prego and she joins the first wives club. Then of course they move on to the next one.

Selfish greedy bastards they are. Men. Some may wife up the prego chick, for fucking what? A guaranteed place to live? That’s about all the shit is worth especially when you’re constantly out doing what the fuck you want to do. That shit makes me want to pop up at random wedding ceremonies and scream “who” right after a muther fucker says “I do” This guy is mad at you because you want to clean house instead of lay up all day. So what does he usually do? Run out and find a chick that’s into the same shit as he is…. Then wonder why the chick’s house stays dirty and someone always has her damn offspring! That’s what you wanted right? To lay up all day? Oh what was that? Her house didn’t come with the magical cleaning fairies that ours did? Huh, her kitchen isn’t equipped with the new and improved “Just say what you feel like eating and it pops up on the table 4000?”Damn, it wasn’t worth it huh? The effort that dude put into conceiving the child should be the exact same effort he puts into maintaining the relationship and household.

How the hell can dude have the audacity to become possessive and get angry when shit doesn’t go his way? Really now, when you are accused of cheating off a simple trip to wall mart and target that ran long something isn’t right. This coming from the same guy that goes to the “special” liquor store across town because that’s where his homies are. You know the store that takes at least four hours to go to and get back from….. yeah the “special” one. Oh and please don’t go somewhere and look clean, you’re sleeping with the whole neighborhood! This from a dude that only wears t-shirts and jeans but pops up with the flair of the moment ensemble just to run up the street right quick.

I have been on both sides of the fence. Cheated on and cheated. Neither feels good. I have cheated out of spite from being cheated on. Two wrongs don’t make it right. I missed that memo. I got pregnant and thus began my ordeal, the one mistake I made was allowing him to stay. I guess it happened for a reason, as does everything else in life right? I guess saying wrap it up would be appropriate and what not right about now so WRAP IT UP. In addition to that I want to urge the females to take them oral contraceptives, apply those patches, insert them nuva rings and get those depo-provera shots like your life depends on it! Ironically it does.

Mrs. B

Thursday's A Thousand Words

Welcome to A THOUSAND WORDS THURSDAY here at Mrs. B’s blog.

Starting today and every Thursday I will post anything from a pic to a phrase that can be interpreted in many different ways, a thousand even. Happy interpreting!

Lies and Cheaters, Cheaters and Lies

Isn’t it crazy how these two words are destined to go hand in hand? If you cheat you will eventually have to lie. No matter how “honest” you are with those you are seeing a lie will surface somehow. These two words have kept me from establishing a relationship on more than one occasion. I can’t call it self-sabotage because half the time I won’t get past hello. Some of these dudes just look like they cheat and lie. Some of these dudes act as if they appeared out of nowhere and you didn’t just hear their loud ass phone conversation or you didn’t just hear their verbal exchange with their homie. The nerve of the “obvious cheaters and liars” I can give you all a prime example….

One day I was sitting at New Carrollton Station and two bus drivers walked up. One was telling his homie how his girl had switched the sim in their phones yet again and caught him cheating. He went on to say how it doesn’t matter because she’ll forgive him anyway and so on and so forth. Do yall know this idiot had the audacity to ask me for my phone number? So I responded “I don’t do females, your girl will be the one calling” He was stuck like shit, couldn’t say a word. Oh but I mustn’t leave out the fact that his homie laughed him out and had the nerve to say he is married but he’d love to call me sometime. What the fuck is wrong with society? Have you no shame?

Oh I have to throw this one in……

One morning I went into a corner deli to purchase my usual coffee and snacks and there was a guy in there on his cell phone. He was telling whoever that was on the other end and the whole deli about his recent escapades. He stated that he couldn’t pick whoever up because his car was shot up the night before and he is going to get so and so’s car to go and get whoever back because his man got hit and some other nonsense. Guess what yall, this mutha fucker had the nerve to ask me for my phone number. All I could do is stare blankly into his eyes and try and figure out how much of his brain cells he had smoked away…………………………..I left without an answer to the tune of “hey shawty, I can’t call you”

Back to the cheaters and the liars, you are all pretty much identifiable from the jump. My dumb ass just doesn’t give two shits and I still get involved. I almost get a kick out of listening to you lie to me. LOL, it’s not like we are going to prosper, why not have some giggles on you? Yeah I set myself up for failure. It’s almost like there is a secret society of Cheaters and Liars that have yearly quotas to meet and shit. The mess is so rampant I am forced to tell any potential fling, “don’t bother” I have enough trouble deciphering and sorting the tales of my enemies I have no time to sort through a whole new ordeal.

Hopefully one of my readers can help me out. I just want to know why, why do men lie? Why do they establish relationships, take vows and help make babies only to cheat and then eventually lie? I don’t want to waste my time getting to know someone only for his wife or baby momma n dem to come a calling telling me how he’s their “man” honestly, is that what you want? To each it’s own. I don’t want to get myself involved with who I think will be great in my future only to have him secretly wanting my boy cousin to do dirty things to him. That’s not even where it’s at. Why would I take the time to court and get to know you if you are only going to spend our time apart setting the foundation for ultimate bull shit? My point is there is none. There is no point to establishing anything with anyone these days. I am too old to be a future and too young to be a past. Stuck in the middle of pure undeniable fuckery. I want out.


Mrs B

Ultimate Swag

I am enjoying this moment in history from the comfort of my home, it’s invigorating. Even though I am not one for all the political mumbo jumbo and stuff I am really feeling this moment. I have half a mind to toss a few back in celebration. Hell I can find any reason to say cheers. I just want to wish everyone a happy inaugural and please be safe if you’re out there. Kudos to the entrepreneurs pushing everything from key chains to Don Kings denim jacket. I love my people. Michelle is a tad so fly and yessir on the gift, that was classic. Loved it! Before I go, why the hell was Chaney lifting boxes? Let me find out he got punked lmao. That can go in so many directions, I’ll leave it to imagination and shit………….. A wheelchair though?


I’m off to make my Georgia Hots, ttyl Readers.

Mrs. B

Martin Luther "The" King Jr. Day

Happy MLTKJ Day to All

I chose this pic for a reason, everybody posts the Happy Pics of MLTK, I for one feel like allot of us has forgotten exactly what he did for our people. Not only was he orgasmic he caught charges for our freedom. This man did not sit in jail so that our young men can walk around in skinny jeans. Yes that was straight contradictory, he fought for freedom in all forms. I just have a problem with skinny jeans on dudes. The day my son asks me for skinny jeans will be the start of child welfare visits to my home.

I appreciate Martin for all that he’s done. He was a true ride or die dude and I love him for that. Feel free to drop off why you appreciate him in my comments….


Mrs. B

ps. Martin Luther The King is what I call him, don't get silly - -

Mrs. B's Crush of the Week

Bobbbbayyyyy! Flay

Are you ready for a Throwdown?

Mrs. B

I'm Really Not Saying Anything, I'm Just Saying Something

Hello out there! I have the need to release yet another bad situation into the universe………. Here goes nothing.

I had a friend. He was the epitome of cool. We really had great times together.

We had a basic knowledge and understanding of each other and our thing worked out well. I cried on his shoulder when times were rough and he gave me the type of words of encouragement that only he could give. I’ve known him for ages, way back to junior high school. Everything between us was well. Or so I thought. I am going to break down the situation that has led me to actually hate this dude. Hate is such a strong word and I don’t use it often. This situation really brought out the worse in me, it made me actually hate someone.

So buddy and I decided to hang out, one night turned into two days and things were cool. We decided on going to a movie and to hang out at his friend’s place after. Amidst our planning I got a party invite, you know me I love the house parties!! So I asked buddy if he wanted to come with. He didn’t say yes and he didn’t say no. I took that as a no. Oh well I’m hanging with him so I’ll have to catch a party some other time. The theater was too crowded so we decided to just grab some food and head over to his friends place, on the way there he caught a flat. That shifted his whole mood, which is normal, I would have been irritated as well. Either way I have a car, It’s late night and Florida Ave. is too far away. We decided to go get my car and carry on with the evening. We get to dudes house and everything is swell, just hanging out, drinking and playing cards. In comes some chick and buddy got to acting a tad off. I didn’t pay him that much attention, I was more focused on the collard green mozzarella stick I ate and exactly how much alcohol I could consume without fucking up my hand. I go to the bathroom during a break and come back to the biggest pile of fuckery thus far in 2009. This negroid asked me –

“so sweetheart, you still want to go to that party your friend is having?”

I am thinking he is ready to go and has decided to join me. I assumed that shit and made an ass out of me for real.

“sure let me get our coats”

This fool says

“oh nah, nah, nah, you go ahead and do you, what time we gon link back up in the morning?”

Why yall? Why me?

“so you’re shooing me, let me get my stuff from your house because I don’t know when you gonna wanna link up”

He said

“no”

If I were a boy-I’da stole all hell out of that nigga. I am not a boy so I didn’t. I suggested that we ride over to his place and gather my things so that I could get fresh in the morning. I was staying with him, it was the middle of the night and I really had nowhere else to go. My folks are sleeping I live in Baltimore for Christ’s sake and he is shooing me. WTF? Why the fuck? What happened? I don’t speak English right now because my mind can’t register no. He said no to going to gather my things with me, I said well let me take your keys and bring them back, he said no again.

By this time I am fuming inside and I couldn’t even inhale because I am too through with niggas. My breaths were so thick I though I was going to faint. I couldn’t function. I had no idea why he was doing this. I had to leave out of respect for dudes place. I really wanted to pop off and tell him some thangs but my fight is gone. I couldn’t muster the words. He was sending me on my way because? This never happened before, part of me thought he wanted to link up with ol girl. Well okay, that’s fine but what does that have to do with me getting my shit out his place? Like really? We can’t go get my stuff? You are forcing me to this party and you’ll be home when? In the meantime what am I supposed to do for clothing and bare necessities? How am I supposed to hold true to my proactive regimen? My world is fucked up right now.

So I go to the party, I had a ball. I half ass sang some karaoke and D. Marq sang some shugg for me! It was great, it really helped me to feel better. Thanks D. After a few I called buddy to see if he was home and he was. He said I could come and get my things. I got lost going over there which gave me time to think. I was driving with no destination at like five in the morning, crying my eyes out and cursing the world for my stupidity. Was I stupid? No I wasn’t, I realize that now. He was out of the norm not me. So why did I cry? I couldn’t stop. The tears were like hot wax and the fact that I had the windows down did nothing for my being over heated. I was miserable in every essence of the word. How did I get myself into yet another fucked up situation? Why did he shoo me away?

Mrs. B

Those that think they know me act like they do and

Those that do know me don’t have a clue.

Kudos to me, I have managed to get in the way of harm YET AGAIN. I’ll take the pats right on the small of my back seeing as how that’s the closet to action that I am going to get in the next few days. My drink of choice – the “screwdriver” that’s my way of getting screwed. When it comes to my personal life from now on it’s just me, my bottle and the 591ml of sanity I have left.

Why oh why oh why must I continue to act a plumb fool when it comes to my feelings? All I want to be capable of is letting shit roll of my back. That’s it, just get er done, let er go and toast to the feeling of lonesomeness. Cheers mutha fucker! Can I just say that? Nope! All because of my re-re ass soft side that not so secretly takes over my being and gives me headaches.

Bitches to megatroid! Why the fuck can they go there? How much would S&H be on a big ass box of dudes? I would host a blog a thon just for the expenses. I would do that shit just to be sure that no one, not even my worst enemy can feel the fucking pain I feel every time I even attempt to glance in a mirror. Has anyone noticed? Of course not, you’re all too busy avoiding or admiring your own reflections. Honestly I haven’t looked directly into myself via a mirror in over three years.

I can’t stand what I see, we’ve all been there. It’s beyond the surface, it surpasses my looks, it peeks out at me when I catch a glimpse of my eyes, that’s usually when I divert my attention elsewhere. My soul taunts me and reality has its back. Together they define me. I hate the definition of Shels, that really doesn’t matter because I live amongst people I hate on the daily. Don’t get me twisted I don’t hate myself, I hate who I’ve become. I hate my dependency on others and my lack of self knowledge. I hear it all the time but I don’t listen. I can’t see it for the blinders that have been on me since ’95. I hate ’95 but love the product of ’98. I hate ’03 but I love the product of ’05. I despise ’08 and it led me into ’09. What the fuck am I supposed to do? I can’t go on just hating shit without changing it and I don’t have enough fight in me left to do something about the shit. It’s a lost cause.

I’m gonna take myself out today, I should have done that from the gate. At least I won’t hurt myself or cause myself pain, well not directly or so blatantly as to have blurred vision on 495. We’ll catch and early movie, shoe shop and chat. Have a cup of hot chai at the coffee shop on 12th St. Do our laundry and catch up on the past. You know the usual shit that you normally do with friends. We’ll call someone up to stop in for a visit. Pay close attention to our surroundings and consult one another on friendships and what not. Instead of scowling at that passer by were gonna give a half a nod. We’ll respond “just divine” when asked how were doing instead of the usual “get the fuck outta here” we’ll stop at G’s and grab a bottle. Drink till we’re full then lighten up off tears. Yeah we’ll have great fun. I’m taking myself out. Today is take your inner Sheli out day. Treat her good, she’s fra-gee-lay.

Mrs. B

TDTSNBN - I hate it

Hello All, I am sure everyone is busy with their pre-inauguration/Martin Luther “The” King” preparations and what not……… Either way, Valentine’s Day is approaching and I am encouraging you all to get your votes in (look to the right) so that I can mentally prepare for my yearly damn near had alcohol poisoning hang-over.

I snatched this snippet from my myspace blog, this really stands out in my disdain towards this “valentines day” thing. I was in Family Dollar yesterday buying knee highs and what not and I came across some take-out style valentines treat boxes at the register. So I say to the clerk “wow it’s that time again already huh” he says “yes mam it is” (this bitch called me mam, I didn’t curse him for filth because of his heavy southern accent) he meant no harm, I still side eyed his ass though….. After our exchange I had to fight myself all the way to the car in effort not to purchase the dang boxes. My mind was just-a-racing with the type of shit I could put in there and hand out to my “funny valentines” I am proud to say I banished that evil to hell below and I pulled off take-out box free. Enjoy my second reason for hating – ooh I’ma call it TDTSNBN (the day that shall not be named ©)

2 My Ex-Baby R.I.P. Our relationship was fresh, you know that new found feeling you get when you first meet someone? Well we were well into our 10th month of seeing each other and Valentine's Day was quickly approaching. We never really spent too much time together but when we did it was always special. Me being busy with work and school and him having "2" jobs – or so I thought, (ahh hem) All that weekend I racked my mind thinking of what we could do, I didn't want to buy anything I wanted to spend time together since we were both very busy. I decided on an evening at the B-More Harbor, yeah that was perfect… cold but different.

So the big day arrives and he surprises me at work with a gift, I was standing in the cut sneaking a cigarette and I see him crossing the parking lot. I was like "what's going on.?" Then he pulls out this monstrosity of a gift, it was a freaking Teddy Bear wrapped in cellophane, you know the kind you get at stop lights? He said he was in a rush and he would be back later to meet me so I thanked him for the "gift" and went inside. I called my friend up to the front so that she could witness my joy in opening the present.

I unwrapped it and the bear was cute, there were flowers and stuff too. I began my search, I turned the bear over and under, felt it's neckline my eyes scanned it's arms and legs in search of my gift. I thought “maybe it's in the flowers” at last my friend began laughing hysterically. She was like "what are you doing?" I was like "looking for my present" Then she topples over with laughter talking bout "that is it girl" I stood there thinking to myself, she is right - this is it. A freaking bear and flowers, no bracelet – no earrings-no necklace- no nothing. I had to call him, maybe it was a clue to the "big gift" needless to say the conversation went south, I didn't go to the Harbor and he was informed that once you reach a certain age picking up a gift that rolled off the back of some street vendor's truck is completely unacceptable. I still miss him though, R.I.P.

Mrs. B

Knock Knock.....Who's There?

People my people, my fellow twitizens, myspace fam and folks in general. Last night marked the end of my sex life. Let us have a moment of silence out of respect for my woman parts……………………………….

I don’t even know where to begin. Someone told me that gin makes you sin but the sick twisted bastard didn’t tell me that vodka makes you vulnerable! Yes I was vulnerable as fuck last night (Especially after realizing how out of the loop I have been) I went on over to this dudes house, let’s call him “dude” I’ll spare you the minor details and get to the good shit.

I know you all are busy web surfing on company time and all *chuckle*

So I doze off in his bed……………..In my dream I hear a faint tapping. I just knew Lance Gross was about to invade my slumber and put it on me. It was so real, just like the time I dreamt that my Shugg Avery was making me breakfast and when I woke up, like a pure ass, I went into the kitchen…………….. The taps grew into knocks which grew into bangs and I opened my eyes, I had to lay there for a minute to try and figure out what the hell just happened.

I turn over and “dude” is standing in his bedroom doorway with his finger to his mouth telling me to shush. I was so disoriented, I jumped a little because I swore I was being shushed by the ghost of Christmas present or some shit. I was like the spirits on his bar ain’t the only ones up in this joint, I have to be dreaming.

I wasn’t.

He goes on to tell me “someones knocking on my door” ummmm I am not the brightest bulb on the tree and all but “answer it” duh. He got the shake face going “um ummmm noo I ain’t answering it” I’m like awww lawd the way this chick is banging I am sure she goes for the girl instead of the guy. Sorry for her, I channeled my inner “Walker or Texas Ranger” (whichever one of Ricky Bobby’s twins that were jacked up off mountain dew and ready to hop on grandpa like a spider monkey) I had to square up just in case ‘ol girl had her wires crossed.

So there I lay..... I ask dude if he has a girl friend....... He said no of course.

In my mind I am like that’s some old dickmatized girlfriend shit right there. There is no way some random you fuckin gon bang on your door in the middle of the night without reason.

I’m like really, is that your girl? He’s like nah that’s not why she’s banging it’s more to it than that. Again, I have to spare the details, I mean you can basically just insert any old lame excuse and you should pretty much be on point.

So dude is like pacing around and jive shook for a minute. Peeking out of windows and doors and shit in his Own! Got! Damn! house! WTF? I’m like if I wasn’t here would you let her in? (just for kicks yall – just for kicks) he says no. Go figure. I turn over and attempt to get back to sleep. Then I hear double knocks! In my disorientation I’m like damn he’s fuckin an octopus!! Gross….. I turn over and his ass is checking his voice mail! This dang girl is leaving messages as she bangs!!! The shit was so loud I swore her ass was hovering outside his second floor bedroom window. Damn this broad got super powers. It was an awakemare!

Lawd Have Mercyyyy Kelly Clarkson Eddie Murphy (B.Scott) I’m bout to lose my cool in here.

*side note* if you have time go to www.necolebitchie.com and look for the Michelle Williams video, then go to www.lovebscott.com and watch one of his/her videos…. Is it me or are B and Michelle like the same person in separate bodies?


Not only am I sober and haven’t had nicotine in days, I can’t even get to fucking sleep. Yall don’t know how bad I wanted to go open that mutha fuckin door! I said to myself, self it’s not your place to do that. Mind your business and think happy thoughts to get you back in slumber mode. After a few more minutes of banging the noise subsided……I was still wide awake and his greedy ass was scarfing fucking cinnamon rolls.

I swear for Aunt Low I am completely and utterly done with this shit. Now I have to treat myself to a new pair of shoes to get over that crap…………………..Any recommendations’?

Mrs. B

Who You Fukkin Right Now

I have been fighting with posting this for the last two days because the source is like my male mirror image. I have to word this carefully so that I won’t be swallowed whole –lmao – aww fuck it, I’m no good with sugar coating and he should know better.

There I was sitting at my desk daydreaming about Lance Gross and I got a text message. There was a 202 number there (meaning I had no idea who this was) if this person were important they would have the honor of being in my phone book. The message reads

“who you fukkin right now”

I died for three minutes.

I actually sat and thought about the question posed. “who am I fukkin right now”

Well got damn! – nobody, I am at work… okay not so literally .…. in general who am I fukkin…..

*crickets*

I’ll spare you all the details of the text exchange and move on to a more important topic. Well topics……….. How the hell can some dudes be so bold? Why the hell am I really not fukkin somebody? I mean an occasional romp in the sack is always welcome but damn - I don’t have a regular. Woe is me I am becoming a spinster………….

This dudes actions were disregarded once I figured out who he was playing and shit. He is my “boy-me” so he’s excused. We do that.


The more important topic –

I hate Valentines Day with the passion that I have for dear Lance! This year I plan on taking myself to a spa and then drowning my sorrows in whichever hard alcohol wins that there poll in the top right corner of this blog. As much as I pride myself on being single I almost wish I had an answer for my homie. I used to want a “man” or a “boyfriend” until I realized how lazy I am and how my “seriously I don’t give a fuck” attitude plays a part in my self sabotage.

Nowadays everyone is pretty much linked up or missing someone that they are more than eager to take back and I am not one to put forth effort in keeping a man in my life. I’ll just about hand your ass over on a silver platter if it means I won’t miss my prime time television because of some chicks bull. Sure I get curious – who doesn’t. I may snoop just enough to find out how much effort it will take in making you all mine, then I’ll weigh that against your worth and that determines if I am going to put up a fight…………………… Guess what yall………….Still single.

Cheers!

Mrs. B

This dude named Gilo Cardozo has invented the “skycar” and is in a strong second for next weeks “crush of the week” This tricked out doonebuggy thing can be seen somewhere between the land and air on and over central London and West Africa over the next few days! Final destination Timbuktu. Who will be driving/flying this thing? None other than Neil Laughton! (my strong first for crush of the week) I mean this dude really has big cahones, really Neil? You’re just gonna fly/drive your ass from London to Timbuktu? Just like that right? That alone does some thangs to me…………….

I have never heard of either one of these dudes before this morning so excuse my fascination with the britts, so what if they don’t brush we don’t have to kiss to kick it.

Here’s a URL to the vid of the hawtness in case you want to hear some “details” I for one am satisfied with the notion that one day I may be able to cut someone’s ass off by land and by air!!!!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/technology/7826330.stm

Oh I did not post pics of the two boo’s out of respect for blogger – inventor/driver/pilot confidentiality…Google them

Mrs. B

MAKE $105,000 IN SIX MONTHS

Someone in Australia had too much time on their hands and decided to come up with something else to deter my attention away from my local news. You know damn well I am going to check up on this more than my own dang finances and shit. Curses to that nosey gene that has been with me since birth!


Basically if chosen this is your job description

The successful applicant, who will stay rent-free in a three-bedroom beach home complete with plunge pool and golf buggy, must be a good swimmer, excellent communicator and be able to speak and write English.

I would sooooo freaking love to see someone I know doing this, I would audition but I don’t speak English. Oh yeah and this

"They'll also have to talk to media from time to time about what they're doing so they can't be too shy and they'll have to love the sea, the sun, the outdoors," said acting state Premier Paul Lucas.

"The fact that they will be paid to explore the islands of the Great Barrier Reef, swim, snorkel and generally live the Queensland lifestyle makes this undoubtedly the best job in the world."

You can apply at http://www.islandreefjob.com/

Mrs. B would love to watch in support of one of her readers………

Scott Satin Plays Too Much

“It is a reverse Punk’d,” says Fox President of Alternative Entertainment Mike Darnell. “Instead of the worst day of your life and then a joke at the end, this is the reverse. This is the best day of your life, and then we arrest you.”


Scott Satin created this new reality show called Smile... You’re Under Arrest it was picked up by Fox Reality and this shit had my mind all confused. I didn’t know whether to laugh or feel bad for the “marks” In the end I decided to just laugh at them instead of with them………

Somewhere in Phoenix, AZ Sheriff Arpaio, a few of his deputies and a few actors sit around a staged movie set awaiting their newest “mark” (The mark is actually a suspect with an outstanding warrant lured to the location under false pretenses.) They have these folks thinking that they are going to be anything from extras in a movie to supermodels.

They wrong as shit.

Especially when you consider the fact that most of these people actually want to become actors or models.

Here you are thinking your big break is happening and all the while there is a green room full of feds watching your bad acting and horrible runway skills having a good old laugh session at your freedom’s expense. LMAO… I love reality television. I bet them bammas had hard-ons watching that shit….. Y’all know damn well some of these “police” get off on locking folks up!

Sooooo you are an aspiring actor with a warrant.

Let me tell you about this idiot I watched last night. Poor boy was given wardrobe and even allowed to meet the director. Ironically he was set to play a prisoner…. Go figure….. The “star” of the movie could not get his lines together so the director asked dude to read the lines in his place. Just like that! Magic happens! The “mark” is instantly transformed into the star of the movie. Bad acting and all, he was worse than Cuba in Boyz in the hood. Then comes the set up, the script called for the mark to be handcuffed to the cell bars.

To him this seemed normal, I mean he is an actor now……..after all it is a movie set…giggle ….giggle.

That is until someone yelled lunch and everyone rolled out on his ass. Left his dumb ass handcuffed to the set! He looked like he wanted to cry LMAO. Its bad enough dude is about to go down but these – muther – fucker’s still had games to play. They actually toyed with dude even more. They told his ass he was on a new prank reality show and to look at the camera and say some shit like “my dumb ass just got arrested on fox reality” After that is said the mark is un-cuffed only to be told that he is not on a prank show after all but he is on a new reality show called “Smile You’re Under Arrest” Then he’s told to put his hands behind his back and all the other getting locked up shit that goes on. This bamma was baffled as fuck! I laughed for a good fifteen minutes, I then knew how the deputies felt. He was like “really” I was like “dumb ass” How in the hell did you think that you were going to replace the leading actor in a movie with no acting skills whatsoever? Ummmmmmmm did he even realize the pun intended by the prison garbs? I sure as hell did……..

There are also other episodes where the marks are lured into thinking they are going to become fashion models and race car drivers. Haven’t seen them yet but I am damn sure on the look-out.

http://www.foxreality.com/show.php?storyid=83242

Mrs. B

I don't want to play and you can't make me

I am far too old to unwittingly participate in the games of those in their second childhood. There is no time for “I’m not gonna call her for a few days to see if she calls me” That shit right there is the quickest way to get swept under the rug, I tend to forget the irrelevant so you might not want to make yourself scarce. Oh and the one word reply texts – miss me with that bullshit. That shit has been coming at me from all angles lately. What The Fuck Did I Do? Damn homie, bitter much? You’re so vain I am sure you think this entire blog is about you…….It’s not……. It’s merely a compilation of the recent events in my life.

Young, I just stopped smoking and my nerves are bad. Not one but most have done me wrong so of course I am bitter towards men and relationships. Of-freaking-course I have become quite the self sabotage expert. How selfish of each of you to come along with your bullshit! I AM THE focal point here damn it.

You put me out your mind? I am honored to oblige – just don’t contact me in the future

We haven’t spoken in a minute and you are bitter so you shun me – the nerve of you

Sometimes I just don’t want to talk on the phone, sometimes I don’t want to be bothered. I can go weeks without talking to someone and pick up our last conversation without missing a beat – if I wanted to. Bitch you know I am fucked up, head full of damaged goods. I was impregnated by the belly of the beast for Christ’s sake (no pun intended) I have to be handled with care you fucking selfish bastards! If you don’t have the patience or were ill informed of the meaning of fragile then leave me alone. IJS. Save us both some trouble


----Done Ranting


Mrs. B

Mrs. B's Crush of the week - Back off he's mine for seven days!

Lance Gross -

*tear*

How Hot Is He?

Hello Readers, I must apologize for the whole comment thing. It looks like my account was set to only allow registered users to comment. It’s all fixed now so have at the comment section like Target on Black Friday.

I wanted to write about this whole male ego thing. Far be it from me to deter anyone from having high self esteem and all but some of this shit has to stop. Some of these dudes are using the fact that they have life’s bare necessities as reasoning for their inflated egos. Okay so you have your own place, a job, a car, a bank account and a few nice items in your closet. Woo hooo alert the media! Let the world know you are renting, have a boss you probably hate, have a loan to pay off, you’re a hundredaire and you can match your clothes! I mean really, is the fact that you are breaking even supposed to set my wheels in motion? The bulk of us were raised to think highly of ourselves and all, which is a beautiful thing. I just feel like the bar should be raised when it comes to having the ego of a successful being. Sure the economy is fucked and we should all be grateful for what we have. There are some that have more than others and others that are worse off than most……….. Can egos be weighed against actual value to determine the mindset you should have when you step out into the world each day? Surely this equation may seem like it’s designed for one to fail but it would also make my dating experience so much better, after all I’m all that matters anyway.

GOT SWAGGER ?

Some call it swag. I guess. You can be the brokest dude on the block and have the ego of a millionaire. You can be a thousandaire and have the ego of a dude that is just trying to get by. No matter what you have or how you carry it there is a fine line between a big ego and swagger. Dare you look down on me because I suggest Outback steakhouse? Shit I like their Lobster tails and bread damn it!!! What should I suggest Morton’s or McCormick and Schmicks? So that WASA can carry you and Comcast can have you watching DVD’s for a minute because Analog Broadcasting is coming to an end? Maybe I should pay huh? HA! You won’t get a “boo I got it” out of Mrs. B. I am just being reasonable even if your ego does tell you that you too can afford to keep up with the next man. Sure you get what you pay for and I am just dandy with what I am in the mood for.

In the end I will say a little prayer for all mankind in hopes that these dudes can reach a median between a big ego and swag. Some say it’s the same thing, no sir - it isn’t - there is a huge difference, trust me. I can prove it with my phone book.


Mrs. B

One Part Single Woman One Part Married Man

From the moment she laid eyes on him she knew that they would have sex.
She was attracted to his looks first and decided she would ask questions later.
His sexiness over-rode the fact that he was married all she wanted was sex and mild companionship.

I actually sat down and talked with a close friend of mine about sleeping with a married man. As we all know there are many different entities that make up these affairs, she has allowed me to blog her rundown in effort to get a few opinions on the situation. Although this relationship has ended we still feel the need to mull it over.

Is what she did wrong? Exactly how serious are marriage vows taken these days? If wifey is aware of hubby’s actions can the mistress be blamed for accepting his love?

How would you view this situation?

THE MEETING

Mrs. B: How did you feel when you first met?

Ms. Tress: “I felt like he was the most handsome black man that I have ever seen, I had it set in my mind that we would get down.”

Ms. Tress: “I said to myself, Im’a fuck him”

Mrs. B: What part did you play in the pursuance of this relationship?

Ms. Tress: “A major part at first it was subtle hints and then one day I decided to just go for it. I had to let him know I wanted him”


DOUBTS/RED FLAGS

Of course the fact that he is married was a huge red flag in her query, she didn’t want a relationship all she wanted was sex – or so she thought.

Mrs. B: Were there any doubts in your mind when it came to getting involved with him?

Ms. Tress: He was honest!

Ms. Tress: “Well him being married raised a huge red flag in the beginning but I didn’t care about that. He was honest in his admittance to taking the vows for all the wrong reasons. I mean he said it but who am I to say if it’s true or not.” But that didn’t matter I also felt like he was the one that was married not me, god would judge him. And I wasn’t the one that was married he was

Ms. Tress: “He explained to me how him being married was not a huge factor in us getting down, his marriage was more forced than anything. (Dudes getting married to keep from child support etc.) He confided things in me, not just for sex, these convo’s took place before the deed was even done. There was a three - week courting period of us hanging out at various bars and restaurants around town. I was not a secret and that only cemented the fact that his marriage was indeed a joke. This guy would talk with me on the phone with his wife by his side. Actions like this would definitely make me think that his relationship was not cemented.”

Ms. Tress: “Once sex came into play feelings got involved as with any situation, I took pleasure in pleasing him and was content with him being sexually and mentally satisfied. Neither of us expected for it to be that good until we found ourselves fucking whenever possible.”


THE HAPPENING

Things happen and people change, the mask gradually comes off as these relationships progress. A public mistress in a sense but love can be blinding.

Mrs. B: During the course of your relationship explain the feelings you had towards how you were valued in his eyes, how does he make you feel when he is around?

Ms. Tress: We were just cool, he would come over I felt like his mistress and was fine with that. He makes me feel so good “when he’s around” as time went on things began to slack off.


AND SO IT GOES ON

Tread lightly when it comes to workplace romance. Can this be validated as romance? Sure it can……. It’s a gift and a curse for both good and bad days.

Mrs. B: How often do you see each other and when you do how is the situation carried?

Ms. Tress: “Here’s where it gets interesting, we work together and we have been working together for a long time now, you see these type of situations get real tricky, twisted even. It’s one thing to have an affair but when he has to see me, the “other woman” each and every day on the job it makes for a messier rendezvous.”
“I mean we fuck at work, and it’s good. I don’t usually deal with guys that like anal sex but with him it’s different I’ll give him the ass because it’s what he wants and I will do anything to make him happy without compromising my happiness”

Mrs. B: Him being a married co-worker, how did it make you feel knowing that he was sleeping with you and he has a wife and a child?

Ms. Tress: I really didn’t concern myself with that, that’s his battle. Don’t get me wrong I know I reap what I sow but I am not the one actually stepping out of my vows


REGRETS

She has no regrets, “all I wanted was for him to want me.” She appreciates being wanted and called upon in his time of need. She has decided to fall back from him, the situation is wearing on her nerves. She just wants him to be a really good friend and keep having sex

Mrs. B: If you could go back, is there anything that you would have done differently?

Ms. Tress: “I wouldn’t have been so eager in revealing certain information because once that happened his whole swagger changed and this is the main reason why I decided to fall back”


Ms. Tress: “When I met him I knew that all I wanted was for him to want me, I love being wanted, He gave me the attention that I needed and in return my wanting him grew into a slight love for him.”


HER OUTCOME

She will be satisfied with them being just friends, he’s a good person. He says he cares about her as she does him, she has learned allot from this experience, “there are things I will do and things that I won’t do” and in fact she is still learning a lesson.

Mrs. B: With the situation that you are in now, the outcome, how do you plan on dissolving or embracing your friendship?

Ms. Tress: I plan on embracing it, I am not going to let it dissolve I will let nature take its course; I will always want him to be a part of my life.


Mrs. B

Married to the blog - -

Well I did it.......................After blogging on myspace for the last few years I have officially moved on. Let me give you a formal welcome.


I have given up on relationships and decided to marry my blog. The ceremony was beautiful, you should have been there.

I’m still tweaking but ready to get started. When you use but it cancels out the previous right? LMAO yeah I don’t give a shit that my page isn’t how it should be. I am ready to share some hot shit! It’ll get better with time just look at this marriage as betrothed.

As most of you know I am a self proclaimed specialist in quite a few areas. Male bashing being my number one, then we have relationship bashing and finally general random rants that help to release life’s pressures. You will find that I see things different than the average human being, which makes for a great read - you can even learn a few tricks!! Get excited, lol. No really - I really don’t have a run down as most of you are familiar with me so all I can say is enjoy and I will try my best to do you proud.


Mrs. B