Knock Knock.....Who's There?

People my people, my fellow twitizens, myspace fam and folks in general. Last night marked the end of my sex life. Let us have a moment of silence out of respect for my woman parts……………………………….

I don’t even know where to begin. Someone told me that gin makes you sin but the sick twisted bastard didn’t tell me that vodka makes you vulnerable! Yes I was vulnerable as fuck last night (Especially after realizing how out of the loop I have been) I went on over to this dudes house, let’s call him “dude” I’ll spare you the minor details and get to the good shit.

I know you all are busy web surfing on company time and all *chuckle*

So I doze off in his bed……………..In my dream I hear a faint tapping. I just knew Lance Gross was about to invade my slumber and put it on me. It was so real, just like the time I dreamt that my Shugg Avery was making me breakfast and when I woke up, like a pure ass, I went into the kitchen…………….. The taps grew into knocks which grew into bangs and I opened my eyes, I had to lay there for a minute to try and figure out what the hell just happened.

I turn over and “dude” is standing in his bedroom doorway with his finger to his mouth telling me to shush. I was so disoriented, I jumped a little because I swore I was being shushed by the ghost of Christmas present or some shit. I was like the spirits on his bar ain’t the only ones up in this joint, I have to be dreaming.

I wasn’t.

He goes on to tell me “someones knocking on my door” ummmm I am not the brightest bulb on the tree and all but “answer it” duh. He got the shake face going “um ummmm noo I ain’t answering it” I’m like awww lawd the way this chick is banging I am sure she goes for the girl instead of the guy. Sorry for her, I channeled my inner “Walker or Texas Ranger” (whichever one of Ricky Bobby’s twins that were jacked up off mountain dew and ready to hop on grandpa like a spider monkey) I had to square up just in case ‘ol girl had her wires crossed.

So there I lay..... I ask dude if he has a girl friend....... He said no of course.

In my mind I am like that’s some old dickmatized girlfriend shit right there. There is no way some random you fuckin gon bang on your door in the middle of the night without reason.

I’m like really, is that your girl? He’s like nah that’s not why she’s banging it’s more to it than that. Again, I have to spare the details, I mean you can basically just insert any old lame excuse and you should pretty much be on point.

So dude is like pacing around and jive shook for a minute. Peeking out of windows and doors and shit in his Own! Got! Damn! house! WTF? I’m like if I wasn’t here would you let her in? (just for kicks yall – just for kicks) he says no. Go figure. I turn over and attempt to get back to sleep. Then I hear double knocks! In my disorientation I’m like damn he’s fuckin an octopus!! Gross….. I turn over and his ass is checking his voice mail! This dang girl is leaving messages as she bangs!!! The shit was so loud I swore her ass was hovering outside his second floor bedroom window. Damn this broad got super powers. It was an awakemare!

Lawd Have Mercyyyy Kelly Clarkson Eddie Murphy (B.Scott) I’m bout to lose my cool in here.

*side note* if you have time go to www.necolebitchie.com and look for the Michelle Williams video, then go to www.lovebscott.com and watch one of his/her videos…. Is it me or are B and Michelle like the same person in separate bodies?


Not only am I sober and haven’t had nicotine in days, I can’t even get to fucking sleep. Yall don’t know how bad I wanted to go open that mutha fuckin door! I said to myself, self it’s not your place to do that. Mind your business and think happy thoughts to get you back in slumber mode. After a few more minutes of banging the noise subsided……I was still wide awake and his greedy ass was scarfing fucking cinnamon rolls.

I swear for Aunt Low I am completely and utterly done with this shit. Now I have to treat myself to a new pair of shoes to get over that crap…………………..Any recommendations’?

Mrs. B