Those that do know me don’t have a clue.
Kudos to me, I have managed to get in the way of harm YET AGAIN. I’ll take the pats right on the small of my back seeing as how that’s the closet to action that I am going to get in the next few days. My drink of choice – the “screwdriver” that’s my way of getting screwed. When it comes to my personal life from now on it’s just me, my bottle and the 591ml of sanity I have left.
Why oh why oh why must I continue to act a plumb fool when it comes to my feelings? All I want to be capable of is letting shit roll of my back. That’s it, just get er done, let er go and toast to the feeling of lonesomeness. Cheers mutha fucker! Can I just say that? Nope! All because of my re-re ass soft side that not so secretly takes over my being and gives me headaches.
Bitches to megatroid! Why the fuck can they go there? How much would S&H be on a big ass box of dudes? I would host a blog a thon just for the expenses. I would do that shit just to be sure that no one, not even my worst enemy can feel the fucking pain I feel every time I even attempt to glance in a mirror. Has anyone noticed? Of course not, you’re all too busy avoiding or admiring your own reflections. Honestly I haven’t looked directly into myself via a mirror in over three years.
I can’t stand what I see, we’ve all been there. It’s beyond the surface, it surpasses my looks, it peeks out at me when I catch a glimpse of my eyes, that’s usually when I divert my attention elsewhere. My soul taunts me and reality has its back. Together they define me. I hate the definition of Shels, that really doesn’t matter because I live amongst people I hate on the daily. Don’t get me twisted I don’t hate myself, I hate who I’ve become. I hate my dependency on others and my lack of self knowledge. I hear it all the time but I don’t listen. I can’t see it for the blinders that have been on me since ’95. I hate ’95 but love the product of ’98. I hate ’03 but I love the product of ’05. I despise ’08 and it led me into ’09. What the fuck am I supposed to do? I can’t go on just hating shit without changing it and I don’t have enough fight in me left to do something about the shit. It’s a lost cause.
I’m gonna take myself out today, I should have done that from the gate. At least I won’t hurt myself or cause myself pain, well not directly or so blatantly as to have blurred vision on 495. We’ll catch and early movie, shoe shop and chat. Have a cup of hot chai at the coffee shop on 12th St. Do our laundry and catch up on the past. You know the usual shit that you normally do with friends. We’ll call someone up to stop in for a visit. Pay close attention to our surroundings and consult one another on friendships and what not. Instead of scowling at that passer by were gonna give a half a nod. We’ll respond “just divine” when asked how were doing instead of the usual “get the fuck outta here” we’ll stop at G’s and grab a bottle. Drink till we’re full then lighten up off tears. Yeah we’ll have great fun. I’m taking myself out. Today is take your inner Sheli out day. Treat her good, she’s fra-gee-lay.
Mrs. B
Kudos to me, I have managed to get in the way of harm YET AGAIN. I’ll take the pats right on the small of my back seeing as how that’s the closet to action that I am going to get in the next few days. My drink of choice – the “screwdriver” that’s my way of getting screwed. When it comes to my personal life from now on it’s just me, my bottle and the 591ml of sanity I have left.
Why oh why oh why must I continue to act a plumb fool when it comes to my feelings? All I want to be capable of is letting shit roll of my back. That’s it, just get er done, let er go and toast to the feeling of lonesomeness. Cheers mutha fucker! Can I just say that? Nope! All because of my re-re ass soft side that not so secretly takes over my being and gives me headaches.
Bitches to megatroid! Why the fuck can they go there? How much would S&H be on a big ass box of dudes? I would host a blog a thon just for the expenses. I would do that shit just to be sure that no one, not even my worst enemy can feel the fucking pain I feel every time I even attempt to glance in a mirror. Has anyone noticed? Of course not, you’re all too busy avoiding or admiring your own reflections. Honestly I haven’t looked directly into myself via a mirror in over three years.
I can’t stand what I see, we’ve all been there. It’s beyond the surface, it surpasses my looks, it peeks out at me when I catch a glimpse of my eyes, that’s usually when I divert my attention elsewhere. My soul taunts me and reality has its back. Together they define me. I hate the definition of Shels, that really doesn’t matter because I live amongst people I hate on the daily. Don’t get me twisted I don’t hate myself, I hate who I’ve become. I hate my dependency on others and my lack of self knowledge. I hear it all the time but I don’t listen. I can’t see it for the blinders that have been on me since ’95. I hate ’95 but love the product of ’98. I hate ’03 but I love the product of ’05. I despise ’08 and it led me into ’09. What the fuck am I supposed to do? I can’t go on just hating shit without changing it and I don’t have enough fight in me left to do something about the shit. It’s a lost cause.
I’m gonna take myself out today, I should have done that from the gate. At least I won’t hurt myself or cause myself pain, well not directly or so blatantly as to have blurred vision on 495. We’ll catch and early movie, shoe shop and chat. Have a cup of hot chai at the coffee shop on 12th St. Do our laundry and catch up on the past. You know the usual shit that you normally do with friends. We’ll call someone up to stop in for a visit. Pay close attention to our surroundings and consult one another on friendships and what not. Instead of scowling at that passer by were gonna give a half a nod. We’ll respond “just divine” when asked how were doing instead of the usual “get the fuck outta here” we’ll stop at G’s and grab a bottle. Drink till we’re full then lighten up off tears. Yeah we’ll have great fun. I’m taking myself out. Today is take your inner Sheli out day. Treat her good, she’s fra-gee-lay.
Mrs. B
Posts
Shels I would say that you are scaring me, but I think that I'm scaring myself b/c I actually understand where you're coming from. I wouldn't say that I hate what I've become, but I wish certain things in my life never happened or were averted somehow. I of course don't know you, but part of me wonders what has taken place in your life to make you hate what you've blossomed into. Maybe I'll find out at a later date. You've so how got out of harm's way recently. Did you get out of a partnership that may have turned sour? Were one of your friendships ended over some bullshit? Once again I'd like to know at a later date. Take yourself out or get away for awhile! If I never went away for a couple of days or weeks from my apartment, I would've gone insane or dropped myself from a 40 story building. Sing it like the Aretha Franklin song "Daydreaming": "Hey baby let's get away, let's go somewhere far baby from here! Where I don't care."
ReplyDeleteMHS ! you made it over, thanks foe supporting. Don't be alarmed I'll get through this I have been through way worse. I am mostly upset with how I allow myself to be taken advantage of trying to please others. Living a facade so I can get by is getting old. Im just coming into myself thats all. I don't mind sharing my personal life via the web because there are so many women going through what I am and they need to know they are not alone.
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